Shyness can truly hold people back–partly because those who are shy tend to avoid public situations and speaking up, and partly because they experience so much chronic anxiety.
If that’s you, take comfort in knowing you are far from alone–four out of 10 people consider themselves shy.
But here’s the good news: Shyness can be overcome. With time and effort and a desire to change, it’s possible to break through.
If your shyness is severe, you may need help from a therapist or counselor, but most people can overcome it on their own.
Take your first steps in getting past shyness with these 13 techniques to help you become a more confident you.
1. Don’t tell.
There’s no need to advertise your shyness. Those who are close to you already know, and others may never even have an opportunity to notice. It’s not as visible as you probably think.
2. Keep it light.
If others bring up your shyness, keep your tone casual. If it becomes part of a discussion, speak of it lightheartedly.
3. Change your tone.
If you blush when you’re uncomfortable, don’t equate it with shyness. Let it stand on its own: “I’ve always been quick to blush.”
4. Avoid the label.
Don’t label yourself as shy–or as anything. Let yourself be defined as a unique individual, not a single trait.
5. Stop self-sabotaging.
Sometimes we really are our own worst enemy. Don’t allow your inner critic to put you down. Instead, analyze the power of that voice so you can defuse it.
6. Know your strengths.
Make a list of all your positive qualities–enlist a friend or family member to help if you need to–and read or recite it when you’re feeling insecure. Let it remind you how much you have to offer.
7. Choose relationships carefully.
Shy people tend to have fewer but deeper friendships–which means your choice of friend or partner is even more important. Give your time to the people in your life who are responsive, warm, and encouraging.
8. Avoid bullies and teases.
There are always a few people who are willing to be cruel or sarcastic if it makes for a good punch line, some who just have no sense of what’s appropriate, and some who don’t care whom they hurt. Keep a healthy distance from these people.
9. Watch carefully.
Most of us are hardest on ourselves, so make a habit of observing others (without making a big deal out of it). You may find that other people are suffering from their own symptoms of insecurity and that you are not alone.
10. Remember that one bad moment doesn’t mean a bad day.
Especially when you spend a lot of time inside your own head, as shy people tend to do, it’s easy to distort experiences, to think that your shyness ruined an entire event–when chances are it wasn’t a big deal to anyone but you.
11. Shut down your imagination.
Shy people sometimes feel disapproval or rejection even when it isn’t there. People probably like you much more than you give yourself credit for.
12. Stare it down.
Sometimes when you’re scared, the best thing to do is to face it head on. If you’re frightened, just stare it down and lean into it.
13. Name it.
Make a list of all your jitters and worries. Name them, plan how you’re going to eliminate them, and move forward.
Suffering from shyness shouldn’t keep you from the success you are seeking, so try these simple tools and make them work for you–in fact, they’re good techniques to try whether you’re shy or not.
CV Specialist and Career Expert
‘What do you consider to be your biggest weakness?’ – the dreaded question that everyone hopes to avoid in a job interview!
If you say the wrong thing, you can hinder your chances of securing the job but failing to answer it altogether will ensure that your application ends up in the ‘Do Not Hire’ pile.
So, how do you answer this hard-hitting question?
Well, we’ve prepared this handy guide to teach you all there is to know about answering this tricky question while making sure you get one step closer to bagging the job of your dreams.
The Purpose
The purpose of this question isn’t to embarrass you or trick you into telling the interview panel what you’re not good at, but rather to gain insight into your character and how you solve problems.
The question is also posed to see if you are a good fit for the organisation and the job you’ve applied for. For example, if you are applying for a customer service role and you tell the hiring manager that you’re shy, you most likely won’t be a good match for the job as you’ll be expected to deal with customers all day.
Hiring managers also take note of how you answer this question; they pay attention to whether you crumble under pressure or if you answer confidently and with conviction.
How to Answer the Question
Use these tips to help you craft the perfect answer to a question about your biggest weakness.
1. Be Honest
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you should blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, but rather that you should mention something that you can develop. In other words, list an improving weakness, something that you can work on over time.
2. Select a Weakness That Wouldn’t Directly Affect Your Job
That said, the weakness you choose to mention shouldn’t directly affect the job that you’re applying for. If the job requires you to be good with numbers, for example, then you shouldn’t identify math as your weakness. Likewise, if you’re in sales, don’t confess to being quiet or shy.
3. Make Sure the Weakness Is Relatively Minor
Although the weakness shouldn’t affect the job, it should be related to the position in general and be minor. It should be something that can be fixed without any interference. For example, public speaking is a weakness that many professionals struggle with, but it is something that can be improved with practice.
4. Use the STAR Technique
When describing your weakness during your interview, you should consider using the STAR method to do so:
- Situation: Explain the context of the example (public speaking at work)
- Task: Specify what your goal is (to present with ease in front of a large group of people)
- Action: Describe the actions you took to improve your weakness (training classes, etc)
- Result: Mention the outcome (more relaxed when giving presentations now).
5. Mention What You’ve Done to Resolve the Issue
When providing your answer, it’s important to list the measures you have taken to resolve your struggle. And if you haven’t already made any progress, you should start doing it now! There are many ways to improve and overcome weaknesses; these include joining workshops, doing volunteer work, taking on extra duties, getting a mentor and finding tools to help.
Sample Answers
The answers listed below can be used as a template when forming your own answer based on your personal experiences. They are intended as a guide and shouldn’t be copied word-for-word.
- I’m not very good at gauging how long a task will take to complete, especially when I spend a lot of time deliberating over the finer details, resulting in wasted time when I could be allocating it to more important projects. To address this issue, I’ve started using time management apps that have helped me time tasks and stick to my set deadlines and organise my working schedule to ensure I am working efficiently.
- An area that I could definitely improve in is my delegation skills. I am always reluctant to hand my tasks to others and feel like they wouldn’t complete them as well as I can. Unfortunately, this attitude has slowed some projects down, so in order to make sure that I work on my delegation skills, I volunteered to manage the summer interns. By doing so, I’ve learnt how to train the interns and delegate properly to ensure I have time to attend to more pressing tasks.
- Occasionally, I can be too direct when providing feedback to coworkers as I am very straightforward. And although this is valued by most of my coworkers, it can be too harsh for others. To help me be more diplomatic, I’ve enrolled in a conflict management training course which has taught me to be more constructive when delivering feedback to others.
- Public speaking is definitely my biggest weakness in the workplace. Although I’m comfortable talking in front of a small group, I tend to get nervous when asked to present to larger audiences. To challenge myself and improve my presentation skills, I enrolled in an acting class, and I also volunteer to present whenever the opportunity arises. With practice, I’ve become more comfortable and confident, and I have even received great feedback after my last presentation on XYZ.
Mistakes to Avoid
When forming your answer, be sure to avoid these common pitfalls.
1. Turning a Negative into a Positive
Many candidates fall into the trap of turning a negative into a positive by saying that they are ‘too much of a perfectionist’ or ‘too dedicated to their work’. While they may think that they’ve earned major brownie points, the complete opposite is achieved. Pretending that perfectionism is a personal weakness is the oldest trick in the book, and you should avoid cliché answers like this at all costs!
2. Refusing to Answer the Question
Saying that you can’t think of a single weakness is probably worse than directly telling the hiring manager that you are Mr or Mrs Perfect. This answer insinuates that you have something to hide and it shows that you didn’t prepare well enough for the interview.
3. Highlighting a Weakness That Raises a Red Flag
Another issue you can face when answering this question is when you reveal a weakness that can hinder your job performance. For example, by saying: ‘I really struggle to get up for work in the morning and I’m often 5–10 minutes late’, you’re only highlighting your poor time management skills. As a result, this will make hiring managers question your ability to perform well on the job.
Although you will naturally be nervous during your interview, it’s essential that you prepare answers to common interview questions such as ‘what are your weaknesses?’ in advance. It will help you be more confident and prepared, as well as ensure that you present yourself in the best possible light.
Have you had difficulties answering this question before? Join the conversation below and let us know about your personal experiences!
Learn how to break through shyness and have better sex tonight.
Posted Jun 19, 2012
THE BASICS
- The Fundamentals of Sex
- Find a sex therapist near me
Becoming a sexual woman can be exciting, intimidating, and terrifying all at the same time. In my private practice as a sex therapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of women who have come to my office in need of assistance coming out of their sexual shells. Some have just started dating, some are married, and some are divorced, but all are looking to be more sexually uninhibited, free, and relaxed. Here are some ideas for getting from zero to fabulous sex.
Make a Decision for Yourself That You Are Interested in Having Better Sex
Being sexual has to be a decision for you. You won’t be authentically in it if you decide to be sexual because your boyfriend wants you to or your husband is begging you. You can make a choice to learn about your sexuality and have better sex if you choose to do so but please don’t let someone talk you into it because that’s what they want for you. You need to have a discussion with yourself about if you are ready to become more sexual. Once you decide it’s for you, then move on to the next step.
Take a Mirror and Look at Your Vagina
Ladies, it’s time to do this. Take a mirror and see what is downstairs. How can you know what you want and what feels good sexually if you are unsure what is even down there in the first place? A hand mirror works best to take a look at what you really look like. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Identify your outer lips, your inner lips, and find your clitoris. Understand that most orgasms stem from your clitoris so it’s important to find where it is positioned.
Make it a Priority to Learn the Art of Self-Pleasure
The next step is learning how to masturbate and understanding the link between women who masturbate and having sexual confidence. Some of us were raised to believe and think that sex is dirty and girls aren’t supposed to touch themselves. As a grown woman, you should think about giving yourself permission to find pleasure and masturbate when you want. A good place to start is to order a vibrator online and have it sent right to the house. You can also find the brand “Lelo” at Brookstone retailers. See, buying a vibrator is so normal that they sell them in the mall at Brookstone, a normal and non-threatening place!
I suggest purchasing a brand that is small and has a flat surface area on the top so you can use it on your clitoris. Most of the time when women begin masturbating you aren’t sticking anything up inside your vagina, you are just pleasuring the outside and stimulating your clitoris. Practice masturbating a few times a week to start and try and work your way up to masturbating or being sexual with your partner every other day. You will begin developing an appetite for being sexual with better frequency if you are being sexual on a regular basis. You will also begin building sexual self-confidence as you learn how your body reacts and what feels good to you.
Watch Porn, Read Erotica, or Go Buy “Fifty Shades of Grey”
To be frank, part of why men mostly have a higher libido than women is because they watch porn. They began looking at it from a young age to feed their curiosity about sex and to learn how to be sexual. In fact, when you think about it, men are mostly responsible for initiating and leading the sex experience.
The best secret for women is to understand that pornography can be your friend if you will allow yourself to look. By viewing porn you will understand more about initiating, foreplay, positioning and what people do when they are being sexual in general. Granted, not all porn suits all tastes, so feel free to look around to find your taste (Role Play, First Time Sex, S&M, Sex in the Shower, Sex with Three People, etc).
What you don’t know can hurt you or at least your libido. If you are really shy about viewing porn alone ask your partner to help you. Not only will he be thrilled, he will know how to find some for you to view. Other erotica include erotic books like the ones written by author Nancy Friday or sexy columns like the ones in Playboy/Penthouse Magazines. You can also check out the sexuality section at your local bookstore.
Buy Sexy Clothes
If you are going to get in the mood to be sexual, either alone or with a partner, at least get into the mindset and the role by putting on something proper. No one feels sexy in a spit-up scented bathrobe or those dreadful sweats we all wear every night. Go out or shop online for something pretty or sexy. Look for something in a beautiful fabric or in a pretty color. Find something that you like and that you connect with. Look anyplace from Victoria’s Secret to Target. Lots of options exist, from pretty nightgowns to lace topped stockings and panties. Put your hang ups about how you look aside. If you keep making excuses for why you can’t do this, you will never have the sexual relationship you deserve.
Initiate Some Romance Followed by Sex
Finally, initiate some romance. Drop a hint to your partner in the form of a sexy text or phone call. Tell them you want to clear the calendar for the night and to meet you in the bedroom. Have dinner or a glass of wine together first to foster connection.
Then, go to the bedroom, lock the door, light a candle, put on some music, and go in for the kiss. If you have been using your vibrator and feel comfortable with it, pull it out and use it together. You can either show your partner how you like it placed on you or give it to them to hold and put your hands over theirs guiding it how you like until they get the hang of it and you can let go. You can also experiment holding the vibrator on your clitoris while you are having intercourse to see if it feels good. Remember you can always turn the speed of the toy down if it is overstimulating to you. Open your eyes and look at your partner during the occasion to catch their eye. End with more kisses and a snuggle. Be proud of yourself that you did something different sexually.
You are coming out of your shell. This will protect your relationship because it is an exercise in trust and bonding that can be good for you both. Make it a priority in the future to experiment sexually both alone and together. Having more transparency in your sexual relationship and taking risks with your partner will keep your relationship healthy, strong, and exciting.
Home » Relationships » It’s Complicated » How to accept being a shy person
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Sadly, in our society, people tend to â??put up withâ?? a shy person. Shyness, however, could be a characteristic to value, enjoy and even celebrate.
Shy people tend to be introverts, but introversion is not the same as shyness. Introverts prefer doing things alone but don’t fear social contact, whereas shy people feel uncomfortable and self-conscious during social encounters, and tend to avoid social situations out of fear.
This article deals with shyness in the sense of social awkwardness. If youâ??re a shy person, here are some ways to accept, value and embrace your natural shyness.
1. Remember that attitudes toward quietness are cultural
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In some parts of the world, such as some European and Asian countries, the most popular children are the most reserved and sensitive. On the other hand, in North America, the most assertive, loud children are the most popular. (This has been studied and documented.)
2. Accept that, while loud extroverts get more attention they can also sometimes be really tiresome
It’s enjoyable to get to know someone slowly, which is often how quiet people proceed. Quiet people can project a sense of self-possession and an inner centredness that more extroverted people don’t have. In other words, quiet people can be very appealing in our culture too, as long as the quiet person values him/herself.
3. Recognize that many writers, philosophers, inventors, engineers, artists, scientists, designers, composers and other fascinating and creative people are quiet or reserved
Quietness and sensitivity are often associated with intelligence, complex thinking and creativity.
4. Read up on how to value yourself as a shy person
Surf the internet to find some wonderful books on the many values of shy people.
5. Enjoy being someone who loves being alone
Some extroverts can’t stand to be alone and can fall apart without others around. Quiet people, on the other hand are often very resourceful, self-reliant and simply thrive on being alone.
6. Embrace your individuality as a listener in a sea of talkers
You have enormous value as a listener â?? there are not many of those around. Just listening to what people have to say can make a valuable contribution to any social occasion.
7. Know your own strengths as a shy person
Do you write better than you talk? Does your quiet watchfulness make you more observant or insightful than those who never stop talking long enough to notice? Have you mastered a solitary art, craft, skill, trade, game or hobby? Shyness does not indicate weakness and neither does it preclude self-confidence.
8. Seek out other quiet people
If you find yourself alone at an event or gathering, approach someone else who is on their own. There are others in the world who prefer a quiet and meaningful conversation, rather than trying to listen to or show interest in those making flippant small-talk with everyone in the room.
Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki building the world’s largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to accept being a shy person. Content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons License.
Submissive girl collar sub woman
Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle. However, many submissive beginners are lost. They don’t know what the BDSM role entails. Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete. But being a sub is a lot of work. Physically, mentally, and sexually. How can you successfully meet the challenge? Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.
I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.
What a submissive isn’t
First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission has to be earned first. There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.
What is a sub?
The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve. They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital. A submissive can take on many different roles such as:
- Little
- Slave
- Property
- Secretary
- Pet
- Masochist
They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed. Subs aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.
Challenges to being submissive
Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children. It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.
Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions. I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.” In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.
How to be more submissive
A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder. Proactively thinking what the Dom needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.
One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must. They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.
Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Ways they can do this are:
- Getting sufficient sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Dressing properly
- Having good hygiene and grooming
True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval. ♥
Upsides, downsides, and what you might do.
Posted Oct 09, 2016
Among the genetic lottery’s prizes is an attractive face.
A large body of research has found that, across races and cultures, people with certain facial characteristics are widely viewed as more attractive.
Sure, we can do things to enhance our looks but, if you were born unattractive, you do start life with a strike or two against you.
Upsides
Unattractiveness does have its upsides.
- You can’t get by on your looks, so you’re more likely to work on developing an engaging personality.
- You’re less likely to be “stuck up” than are “The Pretty People.”
- Some attractive people complain of being “hit on,” or the legal term, “unwanted advances.” That’s less likely if most people perceive you as unattractive.
- You’re less likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship because fewer people want an affair with an unattractive person.
- Unattractive people offer the potential for surprise. We tend to perceive attractive people as more competent, even though, as adults, it turns out to be untrue .So if you turn out to be proficient, people might particularly appreciate you. For example, the judges and audience sneered and rolled their eyes on seeing Susan Boyle come on stage at Britain’s Got Talent. But as soon as she started to sing, they, even the blasè Simon Cowell, cheered, in excess of her singing talent. Better singers receive weaker responses.
Downsides
Alas, unattractiveness has its downsides.
- Not only do infants prefer attractive faces, adults prefer attractive infants. And I’m not just talking about strangers saying, “What a cute baby!” versus “What a baby!” A series of studies found that caregivers pay more attention to attractive babies.
- Of course, school children’s cruelty to unattractive kids is legion. Unattractive kids are more likely to be ostracized and bullied.
- Dating is harder. Infants’ preference for attractive faces matures into teen and adult sexual preference for an attractive face.
- Employers, co-workers, and customers aren’t immune. We are visual–No matter how much we’re urged to value substance over appearance, as cited earlier, we tend to overvalue appearance. That’s true not only in hiring and promotion, but evaluation expert Michael Scriven concludes that unattractive people’s comments tend to be given less credibility.
- Indeed, even famous people have been cruel to the unattractive. For example,
Amy Sedaris said, “I’d just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.”
Robin Williams said, “Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.”
Oscar Wilde said, “It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But. it is better to be good than to be ugly.”
Just imagine if they had said such things about an ethnic group, race, or sex! Lookism is the last acceptable ism.
- And in perhaps the ultimately cruelty to the unattractive, being unattractive is correlated with poor health.
What to do?
As usual, there are no magic pills, but you might consider one or more of these options:
Demonstrate self-acceptance. Being matter-of-fact or even making light of your looks usually garners respect. It demonstrates that you’re comfortable in your own skin and avoids others needing to dance around the issue. So, for example, if you and a friend are going somewhere in hopes of meeting a romantic partner, you could say, with a smile, “I’m your perfect wing man. No one would pick me over you.”
Personality can trump physical unattractiveness. Recognize that personality can trump looks. Don’t you know someone you found unattractive but after you got to know them, they seemed more attractive or that it didn’t matter?
Make the most of your looks. Everyone can look better by keeping your weight under control and with the right choice of hairstyle, clothes, posture, and, for women, makeup. It may be hard to judge ourselves so you might want to seek the advice of a friend or professional you trust. But don’t surrender too much power to them. Ultimately, you’ll likely feel best if, like all wise leaders, you consider others’ input but then make the final decision based on your own judgment.
Consider cosmetic surgery. I am well aware of the counterarguments, for example, that it mitigates against self-acceptance and utilizes our ever scarcer medical resources on a discretionary procedure. But lookist species that we are, a person born with an unattractive face, through no fault of his/her own, is likely to pay a price, professionally, in relationships, and in self-esteem. Good cosmetic surgery may yield rewards far in excess of its price. I have had a number of clients who have had, for example, a “nose job” and are thrilled. Of course, surgeons vary, so do your due diligence: Read Yelp reviews, talk with three surgeons. You might even talk with each receptionist—Many of them have heard a lot and may be candid. It can’t hurt to ask a question such as, “I’m also considering Dr. B and Dr. C. Candidly, do you have an opinion as to who should do my surgery?”
Smile more. It’s amazing how a smile makes you more attractive.
The takeaway
We all have assets. If looks isn’t one of yours, do remember that even a liability can sometimes be used to advantage or at least mitigated. After you’ve done that, focus on self-acceptance and on redirecting your efforts to building on your strengths.
And whether you’re attractive or not, in dealing with others, you might ask yourself, “Am I judging too much on appearance?” For example, in a group conversation, when you hear a worthy comment from an unattractive person that deserves a more positive response, you might make special effort to give it, for both ethical and pragmatic reasons.
Dr. Nemko’s nine books are available. You can reach career and personal coach Marty Nemko at [email protected]
Be sure to read the following responses to this post by our bloggers:
Today I have the pleasure of interviewing Douglas Eby,
M.A./Psychology, who is a writer and researcher on the psychology of creative
expression, high ability and personal growth. He is creator of the Talent
Development Resources series of sites (including HighlySensitive.org )
at . I know many of you are “highly sensitive” and enjoy articles on that topic, so I am excited to pique his highly-sensitive brain today!
Question: If you had to name the top five gifts of being highly sensitive, what would they be?
Douglas:
1. Sensory detail
One of the prominent “virtues” of high sensitivity is the richness of sensory detail that life provides. The subtle shades of texture in clothing, and foods when cooking, the sounds of music or even traffic or people talking, fragrances and colors of nature. All of these may be more intense for highly sensitive people.
Of course, people are not simply “sensitive” or “not sensitive” — like other qualities and traits, it’s a matter of degree.
Years ago, I took a color discrimination test to work as a photographic technician, making color prints. The manager said I’d scored better, with more subtle distinctions between hues in the test charts, than anyone he had evaluated.
That kind of response to color makes visual experience rich and exciting, and can help visual artists and designers be even more excellent.
2. Nuances in meaning
The trait of high sensitivity also includes a strong tendency to be aware of nuances in meaning, and to be more cautious about taking action, and to more carefully consider options and possible outcomes.
3. Emotional awareness
We also tend to be more aware of our inner emotional states, which can make for richer and more profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists.
A greater response to pain, discomfort, and physical experience can mean sensitive people have the potential, at least, to take better care of their health.
4. Creativity
Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates about twenty percent of people are highly sensitive, and seventy percent of those are introverted, which is a trait that can also encourage creativity.
As examples, there are many actors who say they are shy, and director Kathryn Bigelow, who recently won an Academy Award, has said, “I’m kind of very shy by nature.” The star of her movie The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (who was reportedly shy as a child), has commented that “in social situations she can be painfully shy.”
5. Greater empathy
High sensitivity to other people’s emotions can be a powerful asset for teachers, managers, therapists and others.
Question: And, if you had to name five curses, what would they be? And how best do we overcome them or co-exist with them?
Douglas:
1. Easily overwhelmed, overstimulated
The biggest challenge in high sensitivity is probably being vulnerable to sensory or emotional overwhelm. Taking in and processing so much information from both inner and outer worlds can be “too much” at times and result in more pain, fatigue, stress, anxiety and other reactions.
An intriguing neuroscience research study I came across that may explain some of this said people with nervous systems having decreased latent inhibition are more open to incoming stimuli. Which can be a good thing, or not so good.
Actor Amy Brenneman once commented, “I’m too sensitive to watch most of the reality shows. It’s so painful for me.”
That kind of pain or discomfort can mean we don’t choose to experience some things that might actually be fun or enriching. Though I don’t mean reality shows.
2. Affected by emotions of others
Another aspect of sensitivity can be reacting to the emotions — and perhaps thoughts — of others. Being in the vicinity of angry people, for example, can be more distressing.
As actor Scarlett Johansson once put it, “Sometimes that awareness is good, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive.”
3. Need lots of space and time to ourselves
We may need to “retreat” and emotionally “refresh” ourselves at times that are not always best for our goals or personal growth. For example, being at a professional development conference, it may not be the most helpful thing to leave a long presentation or workshop in order to recuperate from the emotional intensity of the crowd.
4. Unhealthy perfectionism
There can also be qualities of thinking or analyzing that lead to unhealthy perfectionism, or stressful responses to objects, people or situations that are “too much” or “wrong” for our sensitivities.
5. Living out of sync with our culture
Living in a culture that devalues sensitivity and introversion as much as the U.S. means there are many pressures to be “normal” — meaning extroverted, sociable and outgoing.
Dr. Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, points out that other cultures, such as Thailand, have different attitudes, with a strong appreciation of sensitive or introverted people.
Jenna Avery, a “life coach for sensitive souls,” counsels people to accept or even pursue being “out of sync” with mainstream society, and be aware of other’s judgments of people as too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramatic.
And if we are sensitive, we may use those kinds of judgments against ourselves, and think, as Winona Ryder said she did at one time, “Maybe I’m too sensitive for this world.”
Certainly, there are extremes of emotions that are considered mood disorders, for example, and should be dealt with as a health challenge.
But “too emotional” or “too sensitive” are usually criticisms based on majority behavior and standards.
Overall, I think being highly sensitive is a trait we can embrace and use to be more creative and aware. But it demands taking care to live strategically, even outside popular values, to avoid overwhelm so we can better nurture our abilities and creative talents.
Accepting the reality of your life sounds like it should be easy enough. But many, many people hold to their own version of reality. It may be based in regret, disappointment, denial, or just waiting for something better–a promotion, for the kids to be grown, retirement, whatever. Failing to connect with reality is why some of us have pants in the closet that haven’t fit in years. More significantly, it keeps people in unfulfilling jobs or even in the wrong profession entirely.
There are few better things you can do for yourself than giving up the fictional version of your life and learning to accept yourself, your life, and your reality. Even if your situation is terrible, the first step in improving it is acknowledging it for what it is.
Here are 11 ways to cope with reality–especially the parts of reality you don’t like–and how you can change it into a reality you want.
1. Accept yourself.
Acceptance is the ability to unconditionally value all parts of who you are. That means you acknowledge all of yourself–the good and the things that need improvement. For most of us, self-acceptance can be hard. We tend to be critical of ourselves, but there are a number of ways to learn to accept yourself and your life. It all begins with your state of mind.
2. Acknowledge your reality.
Sometimes facing reality isn’t the easiest thing to do, but accepting your current situation can make you happier in the present and lead to a better future. Understanding, accepting, and working with reality is both practical and purposeful. Acknowledging your reality will help you choose your dreams wisely and then help you achieve them.
3. Practice radical honesty.
When you can admit your own pretense, you can begin to powerfully create a new future. Denying your current reality–especially if it’s a bad one–will not make it make it go away. Dealing with the bad stuff is a way to get to the good stuff–but it takes practice, practice, practice.
4. Identify your part.
To fully accept your reality, it’s important to acknowledge any role you may have played, good or bad, in getting where you are. Ask yourself questions related to your current situation to help work toward solutions. To fully accept your reality, it is important to identify what you may have done to foster success or failure. Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can work toward the best next steps.
5. Admit your mistakes.
Remember that you can’t fix anything until you admit there’s a problem. Try to view your mistakes not as failures but as learning opportunities, and have the strength within to realize you control your reality and you’re the only one who can change it. Decide what’s important to you and set your mind to it.
6. Own your outcomes.
Work toward owning every part of your reality–not just the things that need work but also your strengths and successes. Owning all your outcomes can help teach you to do better next time, to see failure as a learning moment.
7. Don’t let fear get in your way.
Don’t let fears–especially fears of what others think of you–stand in your way. You must be willing to do things in the unique ways you think are best, and to reflect on any feedback you receive.
8. Count on your competencies.
It’s easy to look in the mirror and point out all your insecurities. But to face your reality, it’s best to start counting all positives. Make a list of your strengths, the things you are good at, the values that you hold, and the accomplishments you’ve achieved. Counting on your competencies helps you realize your strengths, which in turn will help you improve your attitude toward yourself.
9. Let go of your biases.
Don’t get caught up in the life you think you are supposed to have, but work on creating the reality you are meant to live. Your biases can blind you to almost any reality. You can try to ignore them, but closing your eyes won’t make them disappear. Instead, learn to understand them and let them go.
10. Accept that struggle will always be part of your reality.
Don’t shy away from challenges, but rather wade into the struggle and get comfortable with operating and living there. Struggles are a way of life, and we have to learn to confront them. And you never know–something the most challenging things can hold the greatest opportunity for success.
11. Make a plan for reaching your goal.
Include steps you will take to take to create a new reality. Break your goal into small steps that you can accomplish one at a time to build your confidence and self-worth as you go. Your new reality can begin to happen once you have a plan with specific goals.
Remember, you will never be able to create the right reality if you aren’t willing to let the wrong reality go.
Want to role play without feeling like you’re in a cheesy porno? Here’s how.
DEAR DR. JENN,
I want to try role play. but I’ve never had the guts to actually suggest it. How do I bring it up with my boyfriend . and carry it out without feeling awkward and embarrassed? —Timid
DEAR TIMID,
Role play gives you the opportunity to engage in a game of seduction, starring you and your partner enacting different characters. This can mean anything from channeling your inner badass in bed to putting on an elaborate act — dressing up and even taking the show on the road, so to speak.
One of the reasons people like playing a character in a sexual context is that it can help us overcome inhibitions. We can test out things we’re too anxious or embarrassed to try ourselves, but that feel totally natural to a different character. If things get a little too kinky for comfort when you’re acting out your French maid persona for example, it’s easy to slip out of your costume and back into your own skin. The role creates a divide. That was her; this is you.
All too many people are intrigued by role play but never try it out because of the same concerns you have. They worry about being judged for their fantasies. Or they worry they’ll feel silly acting them out — but not every fantasy needs to be set to cheesy jazz music and feature a pizza delivery man showing up at a motel.
Try these tips to get into character.
1. Find your segue
Figuring out how to broach the topic is usually the biggest hurdle for first-timers. If you’re feeling shy, my number-one tip is to build your fantasy on a real-world image you spot with your bae. It’s the perfect segue. After seeing a police officer in uniform, you might say, “A man in uniform is so sexy. You would look so hot in a costume like that. I’d love it if you would arrest me!” Or show him a picture of a French maid costume you saw and ask whether he’d like to see you in it.
Another common approach I like is the “dream I had.” Tell him you had a dream about being his submissive, for example, and you liked it more than you expected to. What does he think? Would he give that a spin for a night? You could even send a screenshot of a look you’d like to try on or start hinting at the scenario you’d like to act out via text message. It’s an easy way to test the waters.
2. Declare the bedroom a judgment-free zone
In order to have truly great sex, you must feel free to talk about your fantasies and desires without judgment. Before role playing, make a pact with your partner that you’ll never laugh at each other‘s sexual performance, fantasies, or choices — and commit to keeping your sex life private. Don’t share explicit details, even with your closest girlfriends. Sex is vulnerable, and in order to fully explore it freely, we have to know that others will not be told about our proclivities. Once you have that guarantee out of the way, both of you will feel more comfortable leaning into your kinky sides.
3. Accept that fantasies are not always politically correct
What we want in bed often contradicts our ideological beliefs and the way we see ourselves. In my decades of clinical work, I have heard all sorts of role playing fantasies that seem at odds with how people present themselves in the world: the feminist human rights activist who likes to play a sex slave in bed, the serious engineer who enjoys trying on a cheerleader character, the soccer mom who role plays as a high-end call girl.
It’s often difficult for us to accept these wants as parts of ourselves when they’re so drastically antithetical to what we want and feel in everyday life. But taking on a role in bed is about playing with power, not about wanting the scenario to materialize; these desires exist in one plane only, and we need to be able to make peace with that compartmentalization. The bedroom should be a place where we can play with dominance, submission, role reversal, risk, and even degradation as long as it’s consensual. And we need to be able to do that without feeling shame or judgment toward or from ourselves or our partners.
4. Start with words
I don’t recommend starting your first role-play session with full-on costumes, new vocabulary, and public outings. Start in the shallow end, by verbally pretending to be a different character at home in bed. For example, if you are role playing that you are a high school football player and cheerleader, you might whisper into his ear, “We probably shouldn’t be doing this with your parents in the other room, but I’ve been wanting to since I watched you at football practice.” Save the costumes for when you’re totally comfortable with the beginner’s course.
5. Set limits in advance
When you’re in character together, you may say and do things that are arousing and fun in the context of role play but unacceptable anywhere else, so it’s important to set limits in advance. Consent is not a catch-all; you may have consented to playing out a fantasy, but that doesn’t mean you’ve consented to any direction that fantasy might take. Consent can also expire. Sometimes, we agree to things, but when we actually implement them, they don’t feel so good, which is why you need a safety word when role playing. This is especially true when it comes to fantasies that entail physical dominance.
6. Pick from a list
Not sure which direction to go in? Sometimes it’s easier to shop from a list of possibilities — which also means you don’t have to take responsibility for coming up with the scenario. Here are some of the most common ones that have come up in my clinical practice:
- Hitchhiker/driver
- Delivery person/customer
- Professor/student
- Stripper/client
- Porn stars
- Cheerleader/football player
- Strangers at a bar
- Dominant/submissive
- Uniformed service worker/civilian
- Chef/server
- Massage therapist/client
- Voyeur
- Royalty/servant
- Boss/employee
- Cop/criminal
- Sex worker/client
- Pirate/captive
- Coach/athlete
- Teens trying not to get caught
- Cheating spouses
- Vampire/victim
- Job applicant/hiring manager
- Warden/prisoner
- Rock star/groupie
- Virgin/experienced person
7. Suspend disbelief
People often feel silly and ridiculous when they start role playing. Pushing past that self-judgment is crucial to getting to the fun stuff. Try throwing yourself into a role as though you were on stage, reading from a script. Sometimes putting on a costume, changing your hairstyle, or altering your makeup look can help you get into character. Experiment by committing to staying in character for a certain amount of time; the more time that elapses, the less awkward you’ll feel. But the most important commitment to make when role playing is not to judge — yourself or your partner. It’s the key to opening the door to the many sexy characters that live within you both.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
I’ve been an online writer for over eight years. I love writing about relationships, love, romance, and flirting.
Most people don’t realize that being in a relationship with a shy girlfriend is a romantic roller coaster ride that is enriching to the heart and soul. From kissing to arguing, from romantic dates to fun double dates, and from compliments that make her feel sexy to insults that can shatter her confidence—this article covers how you can help your shy girlfriend come out of her shell and be more confident.
Ease yourself into getting touchy feely by holding her hand at a romantic moment. Give her the time and space to get comfortable with you.
1. Take it slow when it comes to physical touch.
Don’t expect a shy girl to get touchy-feely on your first few dates. In fact, don’t expect her to make the first move at all. You will have to take charge and ease her into being comfortable with you.
A perfect way to start is to hold her hand when you are on a date. Put your hand on her waist while guiding her through doors and put your arm around her when you are sitting in the park. Do these cute little things over and over again until she becomes really comfortable with you.
2. Have long and meaningful conversations with her.
It is a myth that people who are shy don’t speak too much. The truth is that they can be awesome conversationalists, but only with people who make them feel comfortable.
Get your shy girlfriend to open up to you by putting in extra effort to have long and meaningful conversations. Talk about her interests and the things she is passionate about. Over time she will feel much more comfortable and shyness will disappear, at least with you.
3. Plan quiet and romantic dates.
A shy girl is unlikely to be the type who likes to be taken out to loud venues and parties. Instead, she will love to be taken out to cozy cafes, quirky restaurants and places that really pique her interests.
Be a romantic boyfriend and understand this side to your shy girlfriend’s personality. Your dates don’t need to be fancy. Even a takeout which you can enjoy while cuddling on the sofa while watching a movie in your apartment will be way better than taking her to a flashy pub.
Never laugh at her and make fun of her shyness.
4. Never make fun of her shyness. Don’t label this quality as a weakness.
If your girlfriend is a shy girl, she probably knows it. She doesn’t need to be reminded by you or anyone else. Keep this in mind and never pass comments or make fun of her shyness.
Your girlfriend expects you to support her and accept her shyness as a part of her core personality. She will feel humiliated and her self-confidence will drop drastically if you label her shyness as a weakness.
5. Encourage her to move past traumatic past relationships.
Shyness and lack of confidence can easily be amplified when people carry emotional baggage from past relationships and experiences. Heartbreak and humiliation can have a much wider impact.
Encourage your girlfriend to forget her ex-boyfriend by supporting her every time she talks about her past. Tell her that she made the right decisions and use positive affirmations to help her feel better. Getting rid of baggage from past relationships can have an extremely positive impact on someone’s personality.
6. Compliment her and make her feel sexy.
Giving compliments is the easiest way to make your shy girlfriend feel sexier from within. Make her feel more attractive by stealing every possible opportunity to tell her how pretty she is.
Over time, your compliments will send your girlfriend’s confidence levels soaring through the roof. Your compliments will gradually help shed any inhibitions she has about her body and appearance in general.
Dance classes are a great way to get her to loosen up.
7. Take dance classes together.
Dancing makes people loosen up and really let go of themselves. It is the perfect way to get a shy girl to be comfortable with her body language, at least while she is in a dance class.
Whether it is salsa, tango, jazz, waltz, or ballroom, sign up for dance classes together as a couple. Apart from getting rid of many of her inhibitions, dancing together will bring you much closer as a couple.
8. Don’t be pushy when it comes to physical intimacy.
Shyness outside the bedroom is likely to be amplified inside it. Expect some awkwardness when it comes to physical intimacy and sex. Forget the intimacy, your shy girlfriend will probably feel very conscious about how she looks naked in the first place.
It is very important that you don’t get pushy. Slow down and cherish the togetherness of your relationship. Allow physical intimacy to build up gradually after you kiss her for the first time. The longer you wait, the lesser will be the awkwardness.
9. Don’t tell her that she needs to change.
Telling a girl that she needs to break out of her shell seems like a logical thing to do but it isn’t, especially when she is your girlfriend. You will shatter her confidence to pieces if you directly ask her to tweak her personality.
If you make the mistake of labeling her shyness as something she needs to get rid of, she will feel devastated to know that her boyfriend doesn’t really like the person that she is.
We all know at least one person who is a social fringe dweller. Perhaps it is you?
The quiet person with the downcast eyes, nervous mouths, and hunched shoulders. They are simply shy.
In our overtly social society, shyness can be seen as an affliction. And certainly it makes social situations more difficult, even excruciatingly painful sometimes for all involved. But shyness, is a cognitive difference that occurs to 30% of people, and it isn’t a plague, it’s just a different way of being.
Shyness has been associated with negative outcomes — characteristics like difficulty maintaining eye contact, feelings of humiliation and sometimes even detachment are all known to be part of a shy person’s M.O.
‘It’s these traits that tend to affect some shy individuals’ ability to connect,’ says C. Barr Taylor, a professor of psychology at Stanford University.
But while shyness can often be seen as a bad thing, there are ways to use the personality trait to your advantage, Taylor says. “We tend to ‘medicalize’ everything,” Taylor explains. “Shyness shouldn’t be seen as a medical problem — it’s a pattern where you feel uncomfortable, but it’s very common.”
Shyness and introversion, while often used synonymously, aren’t the same.
Society tends to look down on both introversion and basic shyness — however, there may be a slight benefit to them.
In an opinion piece published in The New York Times, writer Susan Cain calls into question our culture’s aversion to these distinctive personality traits, citing that many view mild shyness as a social disorder and illness. General shyness, she argues, isn’t an illness but something biological — and a trait that’s completely underrated:
‘This does us all a grave disservice, because shyness and introversion — or more precisely, the careful, sensitive temperament from which both often spring — are not just normal. They are valuable. And they may be essential to the survival of our species.’
We should be celebrating the traits of shyness — and start looking at some of its aspects in a positive light — there are certain behaviors we can all tap into. Below, find common shy habits and how you can learn to make them benefit you.
People who are shy tend to be:
1. More Thoughtful
Shy people are less reactive then the many extroverted socialites around them. Their cautiousness in social situations allows them to not only develop thoughtfulness, but critical thinking as well. Coupled with their excellent listening skills, shy people can have a vast and rich internal world. Most importantly, shy people think before speaking, avoiding a lot of hurt, misunderstanding and unfortunate social faux pas. Because shy people fearfully avoid social mishaps, they become more mindful of their words. They are therefore appreciated as being polite and considerate by other people. This in turn makes the shy person more likable and appealing in the eyes of others.
2. More Attentive
One benefit of being shy is the development of listening skills. Sure, shy people may not be the self involved chatterboxes of the party, but they are something vastly more beneficial. Their shy silence allows them to open their ears. To be attentive. To be keen listeners. This is a life skill that comes easily and naturally to shy people. Furthermore, those that are heard and payed careful and silent attention feel a sense of acceptance. Shy people help others feel appreciated and happy they are heard.
3. More Insightful
Being shy allows you to understand people in a deeper way. Many shy people soon learn to become pro’s at people watching, or the observation of human behavior in social settings. This allows them to gain greater insight into the behavior, motivations, masks and minds of those around them. This enhanced ability to become insightful only comes with silence and reflection – the very skill shy people possess.
4. More Independent
Shy people quickly learn to rely on themselves. Gone is the need for what Susan Cain, the popular author of “Quiet”, terms groupthink. Shyness naturally results in autonomy, independence, and self reliance. This is a great skill, allowing the shy person to function without the prerequisite need for other people. Therefore, shy people rarely become needy burdens to others, but learn to evaluate and motivate themselves, by themselves.
5. More Appealing
An air of mystery surrounds many shy people. Because they are quiet and guarded, the mysteriousness of shy people can become an attractive quality. This can be beneficial for those seeking romantic partnerships. Shyness can serve as a hook that reels people in. After all, many people love the challenge of decoding, deciphering and breaking through the walls of mysteries. Shy people also possess the appealing quality of quietness. In the midst of chaotic situations, shy people can provide the calming and grounding effects needed to anchor others.
6. More Approachable
Shy people have a wonderful advantage in appearing non-threatening to others. Their social reserve and timid appearance reduces their chances of aggressive confrontation in social situations. Unlike their obnoxiously loud-mouthed, and unapproachable counterparts, shy people are more likable. Consequently, their likability can result in a lot more positive social encounters compared with other non-shy people.
7. More Fulfilling
Consider this thought: without the color black, there would be no contrast to white. Similarly, if there were no “bads”, then there would be no opposite to good. Everything would always be good, and good would be the eternal static norm. We couldn’t appreciate good without bad. There wouldn’t even be a concept of good without the concept of bad. Shyness is only a contrast to sociableness. It is the black to the white. Shyness provides an opportunity for personal fulfillment. It provides a challenge to overcome, and an obstacle to surpass.
Shyness can be seen as a miracle when traditional ideas are challenged. With shyness comes attentiveness, independence, thoughtfulness, insightfulness, and approachability. In many cases social reserve is a benefit, causing the shy person to become more appealing as well as opening a door to greater fulfillment.
