Weddings are such wonderful times, especially for the bride and groom, who are celebrating their decision to become one. But, planning a wedding is not always fun, and there is quite a bit of bureaucracy behind preparing for such a major event. Whether your venue is not large or your budget isn’t either, you probably have to have a guest list that is smaller than the number of people you could potentially invite. Not inviting someone to your wedding always has the potential to illicit hurt feelings and there’s no worse way to start off a marriage than to have someone upset with you. Here’s how to limit your wedding guest list without hurting people’s feelings.
Only invite those closest to you
When you think about your wedding day, who do you picture being there? While social media gives us the illusion that we are connected to people we haven’t seen in 10 years, those people may not be ones that you feel you want to attend your special day. Take an inventory of your closest friends and family and only invite those you’ve been in direct contact with recently. If you haven’t spoken to them in the past five years, their feelings won’t be hurt when they aren’t included in your wedding celebrations.
Segment your guest list
Make a list of everyone that you can possibly invite and then segment the list into categories A and B. The A list are people who absolutely must attend your wedding and the B list are those who you will invite if there is extra room.
Don’t allow people to bring dates
Let your single friends know that the invitation only extends to them. For your friends and family members who are dating or in a serious relationship, if you want to include the significant other, put their name directly on the invitation. That way, there is no confusion as to if a plus one is allowed – if your name is on the invitation you’re invited – if it isn’t, you aren’t. You can also make a small disclaimer on the invitation that the wedding is limited to invited guests only, which prevents you from getting that dreaded call where they’ll ask or plead for you to allow them to bring their “friend” of the moment. Your response card can also clearly suggest that only the people on the invitation are invited with “their name” and “declines” or “accepts”.
Limit children
While some people enjoy bringing their little ones along to a celebration, others may be happy to have a night out on their own. By limiting the children who come to your wedding, you’ll be able to easily cut your guest list and not hurt the feelings of those who aren’t invited.
Don’t invite people from work
Sure, you spend countless hours with them day after day, but unless you plan to invite your entire office, don’t include anyone from work who isn’t also a friend in the off-hours. Even then, ask that friend to keep the fact that they attended your wedding low-key, so their bragging about how fun it is doesn’t spoil everyone else’s day.
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An important part of being an adult is becoming more independent from your parents. While our parents will always be important people in our lives whom we can turn to for support, asserting your independence means being able to survive and thrive without relying on the various forms of support that parents usually offer to their young-adult children. To become independent, you’ll need to focus on your living situation, your financial resources, your budgeting behavior and possibly change how you interact with your parents in your day-to-day life.
Becoming an Independent Adult
Step 1
Make sure you are living somewhere other than your parents’ house orin a residence that your parents have paid for. While it’s often tempting to reduce your cost of living by depending on your parents for some form of housing, this does not help you in becoming independent from your parents. If your parents own the property in which you live, they will have a say in how you maintain that property. If you want to be independent and make your own decisions about how you live, you will need to obtain your own housing that is completely separate from your parents both physically and financially.
Step 2
Generate your own income and be as financially self-sufficient as possible. One of the main challenges in becoming independent as an adult is acquiring a sufficient income to allow you to live without the financial assistance of your parents. This can be particularly difficult if you are still a university student, but it is not impossible. Seek scholarships and part-time jobs. If you are no longer a student, find employment that offers a salary that can cover your expenses. It may be necessary to obtain multiple sources of income in order to become financially self-sufficient and independent from your parents.
Step 3
Budget your expenses carefully. When first becoming financially independent, it may be necessary to cut back on some of your expenses and strictly adhere to a budget. Determine exactly what you can afford in terms of rent, food, clothing, transportation and entertainment based on your own income, create a budget and stick to it. While you may experience a dip in your standard of living at first, learning how to follow a budget and be self-sufficient will help you stay independent.
Step 4
Avoid relying on your parents as a first resort option for help of any kind. Although your parents will always be an important source of social support in your life, if you want to be entirely independent as an adult, your parents should not be the first people you approach with questions, requests for help, or requests for financial assistance. This in no way means that you may never ask your parents for help again, it just means that as an independent adult, there should be other sources of support within your life that you can turn to when necessary.
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No matter how old you are, conflict can still arise between you and your parents. Anger can lead you to say or do things to your parents that you may regret later. It’s not wrong to feel mad, but there are right ways to deal with anger so that you are not hurting yourself or anyone else. When you start to feel the anger coming on, gain control of it instead of letting it control you.
Step 1
Use relaxation techniques to calm down. Take deep, slow breaths. Breathe from your diaphragm — not from your chest. Try picturing something relaxing, such as laying on the beach or getting treated at a spa. These techniques can slow down your heart rate and calm you down in the moment so you are more capable of rationally approaching the problem that sparked the anger.
Step 2
Talk yourself into calming down. Talking to yourself in your head can help bring your anger levels down, says anger management counselor Latchman Narain, with the Anger Management Centre of Toronto. When you feel anger starting to boil over, tell yourself, “I can stay cool. I cannot control how my parents act, I can only control how I react to them. I can choose not to blow up and to hope that they will respond positively.”
Step 3
Listen to what your parents have to say and try to understand their point of view. Anger causes people to jump to conclusions and throw their communication skills out the window, says The American Psychological Association, and family dynamics and long-standing family issues often influence such conversations. Slowing down, listening and figuring out your parents’ motivations can help prevent your anger from escalating. For example, if your mother is nagging and criticizing you for being irresponsible, realizing that her actions and words come from a place of love and concern for you may help you feel less defensive and angry.
Step 4
Acknowledge and write down your feelings. KidsHealth.org recommends digging deeper to find out what other emotions could be hiding underneath your anger. Isolating your real feelings can help you figure out the root of your problem with your parents. For example, when your dad criticizes you, instead of blowing up at him, express your true feelings — hurt and insecurity — to help you tackle the real issues and avoid making the argument worse.
Step 5
Distract yourself if you still need to cool down. Walk away from a heated situation to prevent doing or saying something you might regret. Do other activities to get your mind off of your fury and to lower your anger levels. Go for a walk, do yoga, write, watch a movie or TV show. Once you are calm, you can try to address the problem again in a better frame of mind.
Step 6
Seek professional help if you feel out of control. There are psychologists and therapists who specialize in anger management. Search for local anger management groups and classes online. Getting support from a professional and loved ones can give you the tools to help you get your anger under control.
Last Updated: July 24, 2019 References Approved
This article was co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook’s Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
There are 19 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Being treated badly by someone is painful enough, but when you’re hurt by a family member, it can be especially hard to overcome. Whether the person did one really unforgivable thing or you’re ready to walk away from a pattern of abusive behavior, sometimes cutting ties with your family member is the best thing you can do for your mental health. It’s not always easy, but by setting clear boundaries and turning to the people who love you, you can begin to move on.
All of us are passive-aggressive. That is, we use a mild form of passive-aggressiveness: “saying yes when we mean no,” according to psychotherapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, M.F.T.
However, some of us use passive aggression on a regular basis.
Brandt defined passive aggression as “a coping mechanism people use when they perceive themselves to be powerless or when they fear using their power will lead to bad outcomes.”
According to Signe Whitson, LSW, author of How to Be Angry: An Assertive Anger Expression Group Guide for Kids and Teens, passive aggression “encompasses a range of behaviors designed to ‘get back’ at someone without that person recognizing the underlying anger.”
People who are passive-aggressive seem to gain pleasure from frustrating others, she said.
We learn to be passive-aggressive as kids. This often happens in households with one dominant parent and one subservient parent, said Brandt, author of 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness. “The child learns that powerful and volatile people can’t be approached directly, but it’s OK to lie to them or keep secrets to get what you want.”
Brandt gave this example: “’We won’t tell your father,’ the passive-aggressive partner says, showing that spending money for childhood treats behind dad’s back is OK.”
A better approach is to be assertive. Assertiveness helps you communicate honestly, cultivate authentic relationships, better understand your own feelings and get your needs met.
Whitson’s favorite way to define assertiveness is “making friends with your anger.” In her book The Angry Smile with co-author Nicholas Long, Ph.D, they use this meaning: “a learned behavior that is used to express anger in a verbal, non-blaming, respectful way.”
Assertiveness entails having a strong sense of self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries, Brandt said.
Assertive communication is clear, direct, has no hidden agenda and acknowledges the other person, she said.
“[It] is an effective way of expressing how you feel at the same time that you learn how the other person is feeling about the same situation.”
Unfortunately, in many settings, assertiveness is either subtly or blatantly discouraged. “The hierarchy of many workplace cultures makes the direct expression of emotions risky for employers and employees alike,” Whitson said.
In many schools, teachers prefer compliant students who don’t ask questions or assert their opinions, she said.
However, “direct, emotionally honest, assertive communication” is key. It is “the best ‘antidote’ to passive aggressive interactions.”
Here are five ways to communicate assertively.
1. Allow yourself to feel anger.
The biggest obstacle to assertive communication is the belief that anger is bad and expressing it in an assertive way is “unseemly,” said Whitson, also a school counselor and national speaker on bullying prevention, anger management and crisis intervention.
However, anger is a normal and natural emotion, she said.
It isn’t a bad emotion, and people aren’t bad for feeling angry, Brandt said. “People need to learn that they deserve to have their feelings whatever they are.”
Brandt suggested using mindfulness to process and express anger. She’s recently written a book called Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom, which explores how to use mindfulness. (Here’s our review, and a helpful exercise from the book.)
2. Make clear, assertive requests.
An assertive request is straightforward and doesn’t deprecate the other person, Whitson said. This is in contrast to passive-aggressive requests, which are asked in a “roundabout way, adding in backhanded jabs that are plain enough to hurt, while covert enough to be denied.”
For instance, according to Whitson, a passive-aggressive request is: “After you get your pedicure or do whatever it is you do all day while I’m at work, would you mind picking up my dry cleaning for me? That is, if you are not too busy.”
If the other person gets angry, the passive-aggressive person responds with: “What? I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I was just saying that you might be busy doing other things. I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive about it. Geeze.”
This response lets them be a victim, “passive-aggressively musing about why the other person can’t take a joke.”
However, an assertive request is simply: “Will you please pick up my dry cleaning for me on your way home tonight?”
3. Validate the other person’s feelings.
This means understanding “their feelings and where they’re coming from,” Brandt said. Validating feelings, however, doesn’t mean that you agree with them, she said.
Brandt gave this example: “Lisa, I understand that you’re upset because you have to switch work days in order to get this project done; however, it is very important to me and I appreciate your doing it.”
4. Be a good listener.
Being a good listener includes maintaining a “very respectful and open nonverbal attitude and posture while listening to [the person] and [restating their] words,” Brandt said.
You also maintain eye contact, and manage your own emotions and thoughts, so you can “set aside any personal agenda, reactions, defenses, explanations or rescue attempts.”
5. Be collaborative.
Being assertive also means working together. It means being “constructive and collaborative [and] look[ing] for ways to achieve a situation where both people are happy.”
“We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life.” ? Colleen Hoover
Everyone represses and hides their feelings every now and again, especially when we’re feeling sad.
“There are many different reasons that we may endeavor to hide, or disguise, the emotional pain that comes in the wake of negative beliefs about ourselves evoked by a particular person or situation. But what they have in common is that they’re all fear-induced,” says clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer.
While we may not realize it, there are things that happen to us when we focus on hiding our feelings rather than dealing with them outright. In fact, repressed feelings may resurface in ways we least expect, especially through our behavior.
11 Things That Happen When You Hide Your Feelings (That You May Not Realize)
1. Taking care of others
While this may sound like a good thing, it can come at a great cost to your own emotional well-being. When you’re feeling low and depressed, it may feel easier to deal with other people’s problems that your own. Unfortunately, this can cause you to extend more emotional labor that you’re capable of giving out, and can make you feel even more worn out, tired and depressed.
2. Disappearing from the lives of people who matter
Every so often, you may find that you retreat from the lives of your friends and families for long periods of time – days, or weeks. You stop contacting them and stay within your own, quiet barrier. This is something that happens when we’re forced to face our emotions before we’re ready to do so. This happens when our emotions stay hidden. Instead of facing them, we retreat from situations that force us to do so.
3. Constantly staying busy
Perhaps you find that you’re more susceptible to facing your emotions when you have downtime. This can prompt you to keep yourself busier than normal. You may take on another job, or be constantly planning outings with friends and family in order to keep yourself busy. Without having a moment to yourself, you’re able to ignore the emotions that you’re keeping hidden.
4. “I’m fine!”
You may find this placating phrase come out of your mouth more and more when you’re repressing your emotions. Claiming that everything is all well and good, even when it isn’t, is a way to push people away so you don’t have to face your feelings. After all, if no one knows that you’re not doing well, you don’t have to admit it even to yourself.
As Jim Morrison pointed out, “The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.”
5. Start developing new anxieties
“I explain that, many times, people learn to hold in disturbing emotions such as sadness, anger, or hurt. So as adults, when any of these repressed feelings start to come to the surface, an internal alarm goes off that “dangerous emotions are about to erupt.” Thus, they feel anxious,” says licensed psychotherapist Becki Hein.
Therefore, even if you’re ignoring your emotions, you may still find that they find other ways to manifest in the form of new anxieties that weren’t there before. Perhaps you find it hard to leave the house, or have trouble getting together socially when people you were once entirely comfortable around.
6. Start feeling false positivity
Despite feeling miserable, you may find that you’re still able to put a self-deprecating humor and false-positivity on all of the things going wrong in life. While this may seem like a good thing, the lack of real positivity can make keeping up this act particularly draining.
7. Constant need for control
You always plan ahead so that every second of your day is under your control. You leave no time for surprise or spontaneity because it would possibly force you to confront the feelings that you’re keeping locked away. You may find that you hate any down time that allows you to sit and think about how you’re feeling. So, instead, you would rather have all of your days planned out so you know exactly what’s going to happen.
8. Seeking bad relationships
These relationships aren’t always abusive, but they can be in some ways. Rather, the core is seeking out relationships with people who are wrong for you. This keeps you from having to face any kind of emotional intimacy that would require you to be real and honest with your partner or yourself, so you can keep your emotions under tight lock and key.
9. Everything becomes a joke
Even if you’re feeling like you’re drowning in your sadness, you’re somehow able to turn this into a joke. Laughing at your own pain becomes a way to brush it off, rather than dealing with it. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to both keep your emotions hidden away while also holding people who want to help at arm’s length.
10. Start presenting a tough exterior
When you repress or hide your emotions, you may find that it’s harder to express the good ones, too. This causes you to show off a more tough exterior. This can cause people to stay distant from you, even when you need them to be there for you. You may start to come off like nothing bothers you, even when you’re hurting deeply inside.
11. Sadly, the positive emotions suffer
The thing about locking away your emotions means that you may start to lock away even the good ones, as well. When you refuse to let yourself feel sadness or grief, you may find that you’re unable to express joy, as well.
You may not realize it at first, but there are plenty of things that happen to us when we hide our feelings that expose how we really feel deep down. If you’ve ever found yourself doing these things, you may need to look into how hiding your emotions has affected your behavior.
“… if we truly want to make others more attuned to our vulnerable feelings, we need to manifest them physically and express them verbally,” adds Seltzer.
Keep your focus on what you want, not what you don’t.
Posted Sep 17, 2016
The importance of expressing your feelings in an intimate relationship shouldn’t be underestimated. Being honest about how you feel allows for bonding and emotional closeness, which improves every aspect of your relationship; withholding how you feel creates distance and disconnection. But even knowing how important emotional expression is, many people fear and avoid expressing their emotions—especially when they are upset. The most commonly cited reason: “I don’t want to cause a fight.”
How do you let someone know you’re upset or unhappy without causing a fight? These three steps might help you more effectively express yourself.
1. Don’t assume you’ll be met with a negative response.
Assuming that expressing your emotions will cause conflict is part of the problem. To be fair, most people jump to this conclusion because they’ve experienced trying to express how they feel and having it turn into a fight. But when you imagine something going badly, you prepare for it to go badly. When people expect a fight, they avoid expressing negative emotions until they are so upset that they can’t hold them in any longer. Feelings that may have been brewing for many weeks come out in an explosion that feels like an attack to the other person.
Instead of doing this, imagine what it would be like to talk to your partner in a way that would feel calm. When you don’t expect a conversation to go badly and can anticipate a positive outcome, your approach and energy will be entirely different when you engage with your partner.
2. Use “I feel” statements without justifying them.
Expressing emotions can make you feel vulnerable. As a result, most people are naturally inclined to want to justify their feelings, often by blaming the other person in some way: “I feel upset because of what you said and did.” But blaming the other person by stating that how you feel is his or her fault makes them defensive—and prevents them from hearing what you are saying.
Instead, try to state how you feel—and then put a period after the emotion and wait for a response: I feel annoyed. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. Most people find this much harder than it sounds, because putting an emotion out there without a justification can make you feel awkward and exposed. But if the person you are speaking to cares about you, their natural response will be “Why?” That person is now engaged and has invited you into a conversation.
3. Express what you want before what you don’t want.
Most negative feelings are generated because of something you don’t like or don’t want. On the other side of what you don’t want, though, is something you do want: “I feel angry because I don’t like being dismissed: I want to be heard.” Or, “I feel hurt because I don’t like that you are always busy: I want you to spend more time with me.”
Instead, skip over the part about what you don’t want, and go directly to what you do want to avoid putting the other person on the defensive. This way you empower the other person to identify what they can do to make the situation better—and you increase the likelihood that your needs and wants will be heard.
You: I feel upset because you never spend any time with me. (blaming)
Your partner: What are you talking about? We are always together. (defensive)
You: I feel upset. (feeling without justification)
Your partner: Why are you upset? (inviting)
You: I love you and want us to spend more time together. (what you want)
Your partner: I would like that too.
Changing the way you express your emotions is harder than it sounds. I encourage you to practice first in your head and then on other people before trying it with your partner. The benefit of getting your needs met and increasing the emotional intimacy in your relationship is well worth the effort.
I am the director of the Outpatient Psychotherapy Treatment Program at Emory Healthcare, the developer of Future Directed Therapy, and the author of Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind’s Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.
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Importance of Trust
The most important factor in fostering mental health in your child is the quality of the relationship you have with her. Without the presence of trust in this relationship, it’s impossible for your child to feel safe, close, or comfortable. Trust has its roots in infancy, when babies gain confidence that they can depend on adults around them to meet their basic needs. From your baby’s perspective, reasonably prompt and consistent care is an essential ingredient in developing trust. When her needs are responded to, your baby develops trust and confidence, and feels valued and important.
It’s also important to maintain that trustful feeling as your child continues to grow. One of the easiest ways to build trust is by maintaining an orderly routine throughout the day so your child can predict what’s going to happen next. Consistent rules that your child understands also add to his sense of trust. Adults who maintain their self-control encourage children to trust them. Then children can predict what their responses will be and this breeds confidence in the relationship. It’s also important for rules and tasks to be appropriate for the child’s age and abilities.
Trust between you and your child’s other caregivers is also essential. This connection is important for all children, but especially for children with disabilities.
Choices and Limits
The toddler’s drive toward independence and self-assertion is an important stage of emotional development. Maintain limits when necessary and independence when it’s possible. Avoid confrontations when you can, insist on doing things your way when necessary, and provide as many choices for your child as possible. There are many choices that you can offer, but they are limited choices: not “do you want to put on a sweatshirt?” but “which sweatshirt?” not “do you want any vegetables on your plate?” but “do you want carrots or beans?” You can also give your children choices about their play and activities. When children are expected to choose for themselves what they want to do, they have endless opportunities for making decisions.
Older children of 4 or 5 years need to reach out to the world around them, to be a part of and connected to the group. Try to encourage children of this age to think things up and try things out. It’s important for them to feel the emotional satisfaction that comes from experiences of exploring, acting and doing new things together with friends.
When children don’t have opportunities to make choices, endless struggles result with a spirited child and a loss of self-confidence in less spirited children. But not everything is a choice and sometimes the answer is “no.” Learning how to cope with disappointments, delays, and setbacks is also a critical part of developing a healthy, balanced mental attitude. Try to reduce the level and frequency of disappointments and frustrations in order to avoid unnecessary battles.
Feel What You Want, Control What You Do
One of the most valuable skills you can teach your children is how to express strong emotions without hurting themselves, others, or damaging property. Help your children learn to feel what they want, but control what they do. Begin by communicating to your child in a non-judgmental way, showing him you understand how he feels. Encourage your child to say his feelings out loud and to tell the other person how he feels. If the child’s too young or inexperienced to know what to say, model a simple sentence for him to copy. The important thing to remember is that the same rule applies to you: feel what you want, but control what you do.
Disclaimer*: The articles shared under ‘Your Voice’ section are sent to us by contributors and we neither confirm nor deny the authenticity of any facts stated below. Parhlo will not be liable for any false, inaccurate, inappropriate or incomplete information presented on the website. Read our disclaimer.
If you’ve opened this article, it is likely that you are going through a tough patch in life. To say things aren’t going the way you want them to is an understatement, right? Every decision you’re making turns out to be the wrong one so you just don’t want to make them anymore. It can be anything. School. Work. Life at home. I know a guy who wanted to kill himself because he felt he had no one to talk to. In fact, most of the time people feel suicidal is not because they have a reason to kill themselves. They just don’t have a reason not to.
You don’t want to get up in the morning. Others don’t understand. Most of the time, it’s not that you feel destructive- you just don’t feel anything. You stop going out because you don’t feel like it. You don’t care that you’re distancing yourself from friends and family. You want it all to stop but you feel scared of taking that last step. Not for yourself, but for others.
For you, it only hurts just once. But for those whom you’re bonded too, it will hurt for a lot longer than that. Even if it doesn’t, you don’t want to hurt them. Why should they pay for your choice? Which brings us to why you opened this article in the first place. There is only one way to kill yourself without hurting anyone.
Please don’t stop reading. Let me carry on.
I know what it’s like to be suicidal. I was two seconds away from jumping off the edge of a building before I saw a friend of mine standing below, looking up at me. If I’d jumped, it would have traumatized him for the rest of his life. So I didn’t. That guy is the reason I’m alive and he doesn’t even know.
This is real life so I’m not going to say everything got better after I didn’t jump. It got worse. I did horribly in my studies. I had to go to a horrible university and life at home became almost unbearable. It made me regret not ending my life when I had the chance. But that was two years ago.
And right now, there’s nothing that would bring me there again. It’s not because things got magically better. It’s because I became more aware of what I had and I don’t want to lose it. My mother lost all her siblings. One was in a motorcycle accident. The other killed himself. They were younger than her.
Her parents, my grandparents are still alive. I can say without a doubt that there’s nothing in the world which is more painful then what they went through. My own dad lost both his parents before he reached adulthood. He didn’t live an easy life. He told me how his teacher kicked him out of his school because his fees were overdue.
Today, he has more than a hundred people working for him and is the managing partner of a law firm. My mom is a real estate agent who is working two jobs- not because she has to, but because she wants to.
Take it from someone who knows- life gets better. Not because things change, but because you do. Don’t take a single thing for granted. Make use of everything you have around you. If you’re upset, talk to someone about it. If you know someone who is, ask them to talk to you about it.
A burden shared is a burden divided. Happiness isn’t a constant state that needs to be achieved. It comes in bursts but when it does, it overpowers everything else. It’s worth it. Life is worth it. You’re worth it. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
Note*: This article is inspired by a poem from the book “Our Numbered Days” by Neil Hilborn.
Few would disagree that parents have the most difficult job in the world. And the huge majority of parents are doing the very best they can for their children.
As much empathy as I have for parents (being one myself), today I will be talking with all who are on the other side of the fence: those of you who are grown up now, and are feeling that your relationship with your parents is a problem in your life.
There are indeed an infinite amount of ways that a parent / child relationship can go wrong. Many are subtle or confusing, and can leave all parties feeling burdened or hurt.
Especially if you know that your parents love you, you may end up baffled about your relationship with them, and wondering what is wrong.
Here are some of the ways that adults struggle with their relationships with their parents:
- You may feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with them
- You may feel very loving toward them one minute, and angry the next
- You may look forward to seeing them, and then feel let down or disappointed when you’re actually with them
- You may find yourself snapping at them and confused about why you’re doing it
- You may get physically ill when you see them
- You may harbor anger at them, and feel there’s no reason for it
How does this happen? Why does this relationship have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just love our parents unconditionally?
Of course, there can be endless different explanations for any of these problems. But for most people, the answer lies somewhere in the area of what psychologists call individuation.
Individuation: The natural, healthy process of the child becoming increasingly separate from the parent by developing his or her own personality, interests, and life apart from the parent.
Individuation usually starts around age 13, but can be as early as 11 or as late as 16. Behaviors we think of as “teenage rebellion” are actually attempts to separate. Talking back, breaking rules, disagreeing, refusing to spend time with the family; all are ways of saying, and feeling, “I’m me, and I make my own decisions.”
Individuation is indeed a delicate process, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. When it doesn’t, and also goes unresolved, it can create a stressful or painful relationship between parent and adult child.
4 Ways Individuation Can Go Awry:
- The parent does not know that the child’s individuation is natural and healthy, and discourages it. This parent may feel hurt by the child’s separation, or even be angered by it, making the child feel guilty for developing normally.
- The parent wants the child to stay close to take care of the parent’s needs, so actively discourages the child from separating.
- The parent is uncomfortable with the child’s needs, and so encourages the child to be excessively independent from too early an age.
- The child is held back from healthy individuation by some conflict or issue of his or her own, like anxiety, depression, a physical or medical ailment, or guilt.
When your adolescence gets off track in any of these ways, a price is paid by both you and your parents. Much later, when you’re trying to live your adult life, you may sadly find yourself feeling burdened, pained, or held back by your parents. On top of that you might feel guilty for feeling that way.
So now the big question. How do you know when you need some distance from your parents?
To how many of the questions below do you answer “yes”?
- Do you feel held back from growing, developing, or moving forward in your life by your parents?
- Is your relationship with your parents negatively affecting how you parent your own children?
- Are you afraid of surpassing your parents? Would they be hurt or upset if you become more successful in life than they?
- Are you plagued with guilt when it comes to your parents?
- Are your parents manipulating you in any way?
- Are their needs coming before your own (the exception is if they are elderly or ill)?
- Were/are your parents abusive to you in any way, however subtle?
- Have you tried to talk with them and solve things, to no avail?
- Do you feel that your parents don’t really know you?
- Do your parents stir up trouble in your life?
If you answered yes to one or more these questions, and you also feel burdened by your relationship with your parents, it may be a sign that you need some distance to maximize your own personal growth and health.
Yes, parenting truly is the hardest job in the world. But parents are meant to launch you, not limit you. If your individuation didn’t happen fully through your adolescence, you may need to work at separating from your parents now in order to have the healthy, strong, independent life that you are meant to live.
So what does distancing mean when it comes to parents? It doesn’t mean moving farther away. It doesn’t mean being less kind or loving toward them. It doesn’t necessarily mean doing anything drastically different. In fact, distance can be achieved by changing yourself and your own internal response to what happens between you. I know this sounds difficult and complicated. So watch for a future blog on How to Get Healthy Distance From Your Parents .
Guilt is, for many, built in to the adult separation process, unfortunately. So separating from your parents may be no less painful now, as an adult, than it was when you were an adolescent. But the good news is, you are grown up. You’re developed. You’re stronger. Now you can better understand what’s wrong.
Here’s how to know if your feelings are being dismissed.
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In This Article
We all get angry at our S.O. every now and again. However, anger should never result in passive-aggressive behavior or verbal abuse. The same goes for the opposite—refusing to speak can hurt both you and your partner and can be a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship.
Poor communication about one’s feelings can be just as abusive as using words to humiliate or put that person down. For example, an abuser who dismisses feelings via the silent treatment is using psychological invalidation to minimize their partner and instill self-doubt.
How do you know if your feelings are being dismissed? Read on to learn more about the impact a lack of communication can have on you and your relationship, and the steps you can take to fix it.
You’re Receiving The Silent Treatment
If you express feelings that your partner isn’t happy with, they may respond by not responding. Of course, their message is clear, but by saying nothing, they make you do all the work of figuring it out.
“The silent treatment functions to keep the receiver in suspense of what will happen, and unsure of what they did wrong and how bad it is,” explains Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist. “It is a way of controlling the other person as a precursor to abuse.”
If this is a frequent tactic for expressing distaste or disappointment, the one on the receiving end may stop expressing themself entirely, which will exponentially exacerbate the problems in the relationship. Both people may begin to feel like their worth is in a backslide.
If this happens to you, you may have noticed the relationship between being listened to with respect and not feeling heard. But the only way to be certain how someone feels is for them to tell you, and when they engage in the silent treatment, there is no way to fully understand what they are thinking.
Your Partner Takes No Action Toward Change
Your partner may acknowledge your feelings, but do nothing to change the situation. While they may be a great listener and communicator, they might also fail to take the steps needed to solve your shared problems. Assuming that they do speak to you about certain issues (in other words, they are not giving you the silent treatment), their actions (or lack thereof) may contradict their words—especially when you get the impression that they’re committed to changing.
Verbal commitments are only as reliable as the person who makes them. When communication in a relationship is shaky, the trust between partners may erode.
Your Partner Is Patronizing About Your Feelings
Have you ever sat down and spilled your heart to your spouse, only to have him or her tell you that you are being silly? When your partner dismissing your feelings outright, it’s common for you to feel insecure and start hiding your feelings. In terms of power in the relationship, you become the child and your spouse becomes the parent.
Verbal abuse can be hard to identify and respond to. Unlike physical abuse that leaves scars for others to see, verbal abuse leaves emotional scars. Although those scars are hidden, they are just as devastating.
How to Communicate Better
First and foremost, identify whether you’re in an emotionally abuse relationship—that will determine whether it’s worth salvaging or you need to break it off for your own-wellbeing (and take your own steps to heal and learn). If it seems as if the lack of communication is just the result of a rut in your relationship, below are some ways to rejuvenate your
If you (or someone you know) are suffering any type of abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help.
