If you and your partner find it hard to get along with each other and have decided to break up with each other and the kids are involved, then you have to be very careful. Breaking up with your partner is one thing but doing the same with kids involved is a totally different thing. In some cases, where things went out of control, couples broke up with each other and so with the kids while some realise their responsibility towards the children and reached a consensus regarding how they will work things out.
Break up itself is one of the most difficult things but when kids are involved, it becomes harder for everyone. Having a child with someone creates your affiliation with the partner and no matter how worse things go; you will always find yourself attached to both of them. If you and your partner have decided to break up with each other, then you should also decide about your responsibilities towards the kid. Not to mention, who will take the custody of the child is the most important thing and should be settled in advance.
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Children can be very stressful with the news of break up; therefore you should plan with your partner how would you tell them about the news. In many cases, couples try to ignore the disagreements they have and live together for their children but if you are unable to do that, it is better that you part ways.
You should decide with your partner in advance regarding the responsibilities of your kid. Do not forget to decide the timings of meetings and spending vacations with the kid.
You must inform your child and explain to him that there will be no affect on your affiliation with him. He might ask several questions from both of you, do not stop him and let him ask anything he wants.
You should come to an agreement with your spouse regarding the expenditures of your kid. Do not forget to plan about his schooling and involve him in sports.
If necessary, you can take advice of a counsellor.
Make your kids understand that it is not the worst thing in fact; it is for the betterment of all of you. Tell him that both of you might be seeing other people after a short time.
Explain to your child that he can reach whenever he wants, you will always be there for him.
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I’ve reached the point in my thirties where at least half of my friends who are parents are no longer with their children’s biological parent. When we get together for brunch, it’s just as common for us to discuss custody agreements as it is to rehash the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
As the old song goes, “breaking up is hard to do,” and children add an extra layer of complexity to an already difficult situation. But for many Canadians, learning to co-parent is simply a fact of life. According to the most recent 2016 Canadian census, the percentage of children aged 0 to 14 living with one parent rose from 17.8% to 19.2% since 2001.
How to handle a break up when there are kids involved Back to video
But like many things in life, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s easy. If witnessing my friends struggles has taught me anything, it’s that developing a healthy co-parenting relationship is essential, but also challenging.
“Communication is often a big challenge. If the marriage failed, chances are the communication was not good even when married. After a split, the communication between exes might be even more strained, making conversations about basic logistical issues difficult and stressful,” says Iona Monk, a registered clinical counsellor and owner of Vancouver Couples Counselling.
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Whether you’re newly broken up, or have been co-parenting for a while, here are a few things that Monk suggests keeping in mind.
1. Put a positive spin on parenting differences.
Co-parents often struggle when it comes to their differing parenting styles, says Monk. Each parent may run their homes differently with different rules. “This may confuse children and make it difficult for their readjustments to the other parents’ home. Parents who are stricter may feel frustrated at their more lackadaisical ex-partners’s styles while easy going parents may rebel against their more rigid ex partners styles.”
Monk says it’s important that you don’t trash your ex’s parenting. “Explaining the differences as “style differences” may be a kind and generous way of explaining the situation to the children,” she explains.
2. Make your children’s needs and feelings your priority.
Breakups are complicated, but don’t allow your own unresolved feelings to spill into interactions with your kids. “This might present as a co parent asking their kids uncomfortable questions about the ex and his or her general whereabouts, criticizing their ex and unwittingly making their children pick sides and loyalties. It is important to keep your feelings about your ex and the failure about the relationship private,” says Monk.
3. Be consistent.
As Monk explains, consistency is important for children’s well being. If parents do not agree that consistency is important, it will be tough to maintain the same rules and expectations for the kids. “If your ex refuses to agree to consistency, seek the help of an unbiased third party (therapist, trusted friend, someone who has already gone through a divorce with children) and ask them to weigh in,” says Monk.
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Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
Whether you’re divorcing a spouse, getting your marriage annulled or breaking up with your partner, getting over a long-term relationship can be difficult. If you have children with your partner, healing your emotional wounds is often all the more challenging. Instead of thinking only about your own needs and emotions, you’ll also need to stay strong for your children and help them work through their feelings. That said, getting over a long-term relationship is possible as long as you remain positive.
Make Room for Emotions
Allow yourself to feel anger, fear, sadness, guilt or whatever emotions you’re experiencing associated with the end of your relationship. However, don’t bad mouth your ex in front of the kids. Keep the harsh words that you might want to say about your former romantic partner to yourself or express them in front of another adult, such as your sibling or a therapist. Your kids are already going through a difficult time. Badmouthing your ex makes your kids feel like they have to choose sides.
Make Decisions to Finalize the Split
Finalize any loose ends in your relationship, such as dividing up assets or taking care of debts, away from the children. Avoid fighting or bickering about these types of issues in the presence of the kids. If you can’t agree on the decisions, consider using a mediator to help, so things don’t get messy and heated.
Reach Out for Support
Ask for help from friends, relatives and close neighbors. Enlist the people who are close to you to help out with childcare tasks, running errands or carpooling to free up your time so you can work on your own issues. Connect with your friends and relatives. For example, invite a friend and her kids to have lunch with you and your kids, ask your parents to come over to spend a weekend, or take the kids shopping with their aunt and cousins.
Give Yourself Time
Accept that it will take time for both you and your children to get over your long-term relationship. Avoid rushing yourself or your children to accept the end of your relationship. You all have the right to grieve the loss for as long as it takes.
Avoid jumping into a new relationship. Although it’s tempting to heal a broken heart with a new romance, your kids likely won’t be ready to see you with someone other than their dad right away. Ideally, you should try to wait for at least six months to pass after your separation before introducing your children to a new partner or date.
Keep Things Amicable
Be cooperative with your ex when it comes to a visitation schedule that meets everyone’s needs. Seek professional mediation if you and your ex can’t agree on certain points. Do not try to withhold visitation because you are still angry with your ex. Consider using a friend or relative as part of the drop off and pick up process for visitation if you and your ex can’t get along in front of the children.
Create a Consistent Routine
Keep your daily life consistent. Give yourself and your children a sense of comfort and security in a daily schedule that doesn’t change much from the schedule you had prior to the separation. For example, continue going to work every day, taking your children to extracurricular activities and keeping bedtimes the same as they were when you were with your ex. That consistency gives your kids a sense of stability at a time when their lives are turning upside down.
Help Your Kids With the Transition
Be prepared to answer questions rationally and honestly. Your children might ask what will happen in the future when it comes to holidays, school or living situations. Although you may not want to think about spending holidays without your spouse, you’ll need to put on a brave face for your kids and answer them honestly. Make it clear that the split has nothing to do with the kids and that both parents love them unconditionally. Your children need reassurance that they are loved and will be safe.
Breaking up can be difficult to begin with, however, adding a child to the equation can make it that much more complicated.
Many times couples wonder if they should stay in a “loveless” relationship in order to keep the child happy. The answer to this is no. Your child will be affected by the decisions that you make inside or outside of the relationship. Instead, being mature adults and handling the breakup as civil as possible is the best outcome for everyone involved. Here are some guidelines on how to do this.
Evaluate the Relationship
Be sure that you are not acting on rash emotions. Have you considered counseling? Are the problems you’re having long-term? Are you and your partner willing to change? After evaluating the situation you’re able to determine which the best path is for you. Do not make this decision alone as you did not make the decision on your own to begin the relationship in the first place.
Discuss the Spilt
If you both decide it is in your best interests to move on then take the time to talk about the fact that you are breaking up. You want to discuss how it will affect your children, financial responsibility, personal property, visitation schedule, and much more. Whether you are married or not it will be important to discuss all the topics listed above. By talking it through you are able to stay on the same page and remain civil.
Talk to Your Children
Unless your child is under the age of 2 they will likely see the changes happening. Therefore, you need to talk with them before going through with the split. As parents you want to explain that it is not their fault. Often times children feel that their behavior is the cause of breakups. Share your plans for visitation and even express that you still care for each other as parents. Make the conversation age appropriate for best results. Be prepared to answer questions and comfort them if they need it.
Integrity, self-love and remaining neutral
Never ever talk badly about your ex around the kids or even while you’re still together! Their father (or mother) is part of them and even if you believe they were the one who did something wrong or is at fault, it’s important to remain neutral. Sometimes sharing your lessons or realizations can be helpful, although it’s important how you impart that information. Even if something terrible happened, i.e. you or the children were abused – be mindful how you discuss it. Choose to empower your children with powerful and precious life lessons, allowing you to be authentic and coming from a place of love. Talk about self-love and self-belief, healthy boundaries, perhaps discuss what’s a healthy relationship, what really matters.
After Breaking Up
After you’ve done the process above and have broken up you will probably feel some form of emotion. Whether you feel sad, angry, hopeless, or clueless it is important to get it out so that you don’t carry it into your next relationship. You might consider consulting a coach or counselor who can help you in healing, learning and improving yourself. Most don’t like to admit it but broken relationships are likely caused by both parties, one way or another you’ve contributed. Finding out what’s going on inside of you and how to change it can work great.
This process will not be easy, and depending on your child they could really be affected by the change. Always keep an open mind with your child, discuss any concerns they might have, and if necessary get them professional help as well. Sometimes children won’t just tell you they are hurt by the breakup, but will begin to act out and harbor feelings. Professional guidance might be needed to get them through. In the end, both parties remaining civil and having the common interest of loving and caring for the children will make breaking up much easier and the healing process much more achievable.
Home » Parenting » How to Break up when Children are Involved
Breaking up can be a difficult time for both partners, and when kids are involved, it becomes even harder. As the couple deals with their own emotions and changes, so do the children, and keeping their emotions in perspective is vital during this critical time.
To begin with, encourage support and compassion on your child rather then letting loose your frustrations at this time. Explain the reason of the break up gently to them.
Here are some ways to deal with your child when you are breaking up with your partner:
- Explain the reason of the new change and separation with your partner. Have a deep conversation with them and listen to their views and questions. Be clear about your reasons and be gentle throughout the discussion. You and your partner could both explain the reason together to the kids. Be honest and clear on your decision and reason.
- Ensure your child does not feel blamed for the break up. They should know it was not their fault for separating the partners. Both parents need to tell the children they are loved by them, and will continue to do so after the separation.
- When a child questions the break up, answer with honesty and sensitivity. Explain the answers to the questions and understand their fears to this new change.
- Your child will go through various emotional reactions and you need to be prepared for it. They may feel angry, upset, and annoyed with the new setup. They may begin to wet the bed if they are young, and if they are older, they will have tantrums, anger breakouts, and anxiety as well. Stay calm throughout.
- Always encourage them to speak about their emotions and question them on how they feel on the new life.
- Take them out more and get them involved in new sports and school activities.
- Let the child communicate with old family members and friends. This will make them feel like they have a stable network.
- When you are ready for a new relationship, discuss it with your child first and see how they feel about it.
BREAKING up is hard for everyone, especially if there are kids involved. But what if the kids you’ve brought up and loved for years aren’t yours?
July 5, 2015 10:35am
What happens when the kids you love aren’t yours, and then you go through a break up? Source:Supplied
The wicked stepmothers have been used in fairytales for centuries — women who see the children in their marriage as an obstacle to the affection of their man. I grew up with a woman like this. She was a hateful, sadistic woman whose only redeeming feature was that I could choose to have nothing to do with her when I grew up.
Then I became a stepmother. I was determined to be different. It’s a complex relationship and requires much more effort that raising biological children.
These children don’t have to love you and the reality is, they probably won’t (at least for some time).
I was in my late twenties with an instant family — one boy and one girl. Over the next seven years the relationship developed and blossomed, and I became the children’s primary carer. Their parents were busy and I gladly agreed to cut down on my work and take the position as stepmum.
The children didn’t call me mum, but they did trust me to take care of their needs. I made them breakfast, packed their lunches, washed their clothes, took them to their sporting activities, got involved with the school, helped them with homework and argued over “screen time”. The house ran smoothly and the children were happy.
Their father and I planned to add to the family with a baby of our own. We had some trouble conceiving but after a few tests were told we would have above average success with IVF.
The day we got this news everything changed. My partner became distant and argumentative until he finally said it — “I don’t want to have a baby”. What would follow was a year of constant bickering.
I couldn’t reconcile with the situation presented to me. After everything I had put into the family unit, I wasn’t going to have a choice about adding a baby to our family.
Then it hit me, it’s not my family, I’m merely a guest in theirs. Without a child together, my partner could go back to taking care of the kids without any input from me. I had no rights to the children I was raising.
Unlike the wicked stepmother stories, I loved these children and I deeply loved their father. I didn’t want to leave the house, but after a year or so of arguing I realised I couldn’t accept that I was never going to have a baby.
Their father suggested we live separately and now we do. I don’t see the children often anymore. Thanks to the invasion of privacy that is social media, I sometimes see a big event in their lives posted somewhere.
It never stops breaking my heart, how little I mean to them now. Don’t get me wrong …. I am genuinely glad they are happy and I wouldn’t want them to be sad about absence.
For me however, I think it will always be sad. The grief of losing them was as big a part of my heartache in my separation from their father, as the grief of losing him was.
In the 7 years I was in the relationship I made 14 birthday cakes for my step kids, each year more elaborate than the last. I bought every dress for the school dances for my girl and every pair of footy boots for my boy. I took the children away camping on school holidays often while both of their parents worked.
I will miss being that person in their life. I loved making stupidly elaborate birthday cakes; I loved going shopping with them and watching them dress up for their events.
And there will be many big events in their lives I will probably miss. Will they want me at their graduations? Will they call me when they get married? Will I know when they have their first child?
The reality is they probably won’t. Their mum and dad will be there.
Would I do it again? Definitely. Those years were precious, they meant a lot to me and I will treasure the memories.
Juggling parenting, work and relationships is one of life’s toughest challenges. It’s never easy if you and your partner decide to go your separate ways, but if there’s anything that you’ll both agree on, it’s that you want to make sure your child isn’t affected too much.
It is possible to co-parent successfully so long as you focus on your child without letting other issues colour your judgement. You can try things like setting up an online Parenting Plan to make the process work for you both.
If you and your partner have separated, there are several steps you can follow so you can continue to be supportive parents for your child.
How to co-parent after splitting up:
1) Be clear about your decision
2) Find an outlet for your feelings
3) Don’t use your children as messengers
4) Try and be private
5) Dig out your negotiation skills
6) Allow your child to be sad
7) Stay calm
After a split there can be a lot of leftover tension and a sense of unfinished business. When communicating with your ex partner, try your best to remain calm. Getting angry rarely resolves anything and makes communication even harder. Shouting or getting heated increases the chances of your little one hearing this or picking up on the general tension and atmosphere.
As hard as this will be, staying calm and collected is the best way. Try breathing techniques or employing specific listening strategies so the pair of you discuss things in a structured way.
8) Be consistent
When you split up, you will probably have different ideas about how best to parent your child. However, it is good to try and stay consistent. Set similar rules and guidelines so your son or daughter doesn’t go between two radically different environemnts. For examples rules on chores, bedtime, school work and what they can and can’t do.
When rules are broken, try and discipline in a similar way. If one of you bans TV when they misbehave, then they need to know they can’t just go to the other parent to avoid the ban. Conversley, when your little one does something good, make sure you praise and reward good behaviour in roughly the same way.
Ideally sit down to discuss these together so you follow a consistent approach. Using charts or stickers could be a helpful way to keep track so that your child knows what to expect when they do something right/wrong.
9) Remember, you’re both still parents
Do you co-parent with your ex? How do you make it work? Let us know on Facebook or Twitter!
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Cosima Marriner
When blended families break up, what happens to the relationship between the step-parent and stepchild? There are no rules for this very modern situation, writes Cosima Marriner.
Jacqueline Simpson* realised she had become a linchpin in her two stepdaughters’ lives when the elder girl confided in her a problem she was having at school.
“She didn’t want to talk to either of her parents about it,” Simpson remembers.
“I suddenly saw there was a role for me to play in the girls’ lives that was as important as being a biological parent.”
So when Simpson’s marriage to the girls’ father ended abruptly four years ago, she “didn’t consider for a second” ending her relationship with her stepdaughters.
“Why would I end it? I divorced their father, I haven’t divorced the girls.”
But not everyone in Simpson’s life saw it that way. “A few people thought I was hanging onto the past, that the best way for me to move forward was to cut all ties. I just didn’t see it that way at all.”
Simpson’s relationship with her stepdaughters is so strong that both girls (who have different mothers) now live with her and have no contact with their father.
Simpson is just one of many step-parents feeling their way across this new relationship terrain, which comes without a guidebook and contains many pitfalls. There may not be a blood link, a formal family structure or even any legal rights to bind the relationship, but not every step-parent wants to sever ties with their stepchildren just because their marriage to the biological parent is over. And as complicated family structures multiply thanks to high divorce and remarriage rates, families are increasingly having to negotiate this tricky territory themselves.
Nearly one in five Australian families are stepfamilies, according to the Bureau of Statistics. Also known as blended, bonus, patchwork or even emulsified families, they are also more likely to break down: two-thirds of American stepfamilies fail, according to the US Stepfamily Foundation, compared with a third of first marriages.
When stepfamilies do fall apart, there is a tangle of relationships to unravel. Stepchildren and step-parents who struggled to accept each other are likely to breathe a sigh of relief that they need never meet again.
Katie Holmes reportedly fired her stepdaughter, Isabella, from her Holmes & Yang clothes line shortly before she divorced Tom Cruise. Gossip sites claim she wanted to cut ties with the teenager, who had called her “Mom”, because Isabella was “Tom’s kid”.
But those who genuinely bonded during the life of the blended family can be left distraught. They might have spent years forging a relationship – living under the same roof, making school lunches, turning up to parent-teacher interviews, baking elaborate birthday cakes, mopping feverish brows – only to face the prospect of the fragile alliance disintegrating.
Stepfamilies Australia’s Daniela Zimmerman estimates that 10 per cent of step-parents want to remain in their stepchildren’s lives. “If you can manage at least some sort of contact it is definitely advisable,” she says. “For children who are not expecting the contact to be cut off, if you see them one day and not the next, it can be quite traumatising.”
But step-parents who don’t want to lose touch are at the mercy of the child’s wishes – and the biological parents’ consent.
“It really depends on the ages of the young people, how far away they live, how mutual the separation is, and what is in the best interests of the child,” says Zimmerman, warning parents not to use children as “property to get to the previous partner”.
“It is about the child,” she adds. “If it is only for the step-parent, that is not good enough. It has to benefit the child and they [must] want it.”
Biological parents must also approve any ongoing contact, because step-parents have no legal rights to stepchildren after a marriage breakup. “If your relationship is business-like and friendly, then you’ve got more likely success,” says Lyn Fletcher from Relationships Australia. “If not, then you’re up against it with both [biological] mother and father. Of course, there will be resentment and angst.”
Becoming a full-time mum to two stepdaughters has been a steep learning curve for Jacqueline Simpson and she feels the weight of responsibility of looking after someone else’s biological children. “The scariest thing is the responsibility. It’s kind of terrifying, it can be quite stressful. I don’t want anything to happen on my watch.”
Simpson also worries that she has fewer parenting instincts because she isn’t the biological mother. “I don’t know what I’m doing, I wouldn’t have a bloody clue. I’m hoping to get it right more than I get it wrong.”
Stepfamily experts advise step-parents to think of themselves as the friendly aunt or uncle – important, but not replacing the biological parent. Any ongoing contact should be consistent (monthly catch-ups, emails and texts, getting together at special occasions etc), rather than fading out of a stepchild’s life after a few years.
But some step-parents resist a stepchild’s pleas to keep in touch. Dr Jonathan Toussaint, from the not-for-profit counselling service Interrelate, has seen young boys in particular desperate to maintain contact with their stepfathers. “Boys often have this great big father wound; they desperately need a male figure and male approval in their life to avoid any dysfunction in later years. More often than not it’s the child who wants the relationship, and it’s up to the dad to step up to the mark.”
Yet Toussaint says many men are keen to just move on with their lives, fearful of being entrenched in the conflict of a relationship split. He recounts the story of a 15-year-old boy he is counselling, whose biological father isn’t around and whose mum has split up with his stepdad. “He would leave messages on his stepdad’s mobile and not hear from him for a month. He remembers the times they used to go to the footy together and he hasn’t heard from him – it’s heartbreaking. This kid towers over you, but he longs for mateship.”
Jacqueline Simpson’s younger stepdaughter was so anxious about losing her stepmum that she tried “for years” to get her back together with her father. “I would tell her, ‘You and I are still going to be friends. I’m not going anywhere,’ ” Simpson says.
She adds that she would have been “devastated” if she had lost contact with her two stepdaughters, now aged 13 and 19. Now she is 40, Simpson doubts she will ever have her own offspring. “I realised I wasn’t going to have kids of my own, but because I had the girls in my life, it filled that hole.”
“My life is so much better for having them in it. It’s so much more complicated, it’s vastly more expensive, but it’s infinitely better. I’m always so happy to see and have them.”
* Name has been changed.
See Also
- When you’re not a cookie cutter family
- How to tell the kids you’re separating
- Challenges of step parenting
From: Sunday Life
I would tell her, ‘You and I are still going to be friends. I’m not going anywhere,’ .
was just wondering if anyone else has had a relationship break up with 3 children involved its my choice has i dont love him but its really hard on the kids.but just cant be with someone i dont love. also if i ever find anyone else how do you go about it any advice be great thanks
11 Answers
Your asking the wrong guy about wanting a divorce because you don’t love him. Like the song sez “what does love have to do with it.” If you are a christian you would not abandon a marriage on such a whimsy. The love of your children and their welfare should come first and try to find the spark that once was there. The only reason for a divorce is when you or your children are in danger, not because you are on the quest to find the mythical knight in shining Armour. Worse yet if you have been unfaithful and want an excuse to change partners and to hell with the consequences. Sorry for being so blunt.
I have been involved in a relationship with a man for 7 yrs and 3 kids later I feel the same way at times. Look at it like this the only ones suffering are the kids. They know if you are happy or not. Don’t do them any favors by staying if you are miserable. They see the fights, and arguements. U will be doing the best thing in the world for them by getting out of that relationship. The difference between me and you is that love won’t let me leave. I’m still in love throughtout all the BS.
Just try to remember that this man is your children‘s father and your children still love him even if you don’t, sometimes people work better apart rather then together and you should not feel guilty. Try to keep from arguing in front of the children I know this can be difficult but it can have lasting effects. All children need is love and security and if you and your partner can discuss with maturity on how to provide this for your kids then your moving in the right direction, maybe you and him can sit your kids down and explain whats going to happen together, one of the biggest problems is children feeling guilt about their relationships with each parent, try to let them know that it’s ok that they love their father. Take your time with new relationships try to be honest and upfront with your ex about what is going on do not let him find out through your children your just asking for an argument, give your kids time to adjust before bringing new people into their lives this will only add to confusion. Good luck!
I have broken up with someone i was with for 20 years and we had 3 kids, its a shame although you must be true to yourself and your kids – how unhealthy it is not to be happy – i think you should think of yourself and find an interest – go out meet new people take your ime with love and then the right one will come along , best of luck hun
You are here: Home > How to divorce > How to break up your marriage or relationship in 3 clear steps
Posted on 25-09-2010 Updated: 15-08-2020 By: Author Elly Prior
How to break up with someone
Oh, the pain and awkwardness of breaking up and ending your relationship or marriage! I so understand your predicament, from my professional as well as personal experience. Therefore I’m going to help you discover how to break up confidently in 3 clear steps.
This article is how to end your relationship or marriage in person. If you’re having a long-distance relationship you can have that breakup conversation on Skype or on Facetime. Breaking up and ending a serious relationship or marriage in any other way, such as on social media or by text, is not the way to do it.
Stages of a relationship or marriage breakup
The ending of a relationship happens in different stages.
Stage 1: discontentment
At first, you notice a vague sense of discontent, stillness and perhaps even loneliness at times.
You feel in your heart that things ought to be different, but perhaps you accept them as ‘normal’ up and downs. If you’ve tried to work on the relationship, you may have tried talking about it, setting some boundaries and compromising here and there.
Stage 2: avoidance
Then you become increasingly aware that you’re no longer happy. You may even be wondering about the signs and symptoms of depression.
You’re likely to even be avoiding getting into a conversation with your partner. Instead, you may rather spend your time on social media, watching tv, spending time with your friends, staying at work or going out.
Trusted friends are likely to know more about your feelings than your partner does.
Stage 3: fantasising
Over time, that feeling increases and you begin to imagine what it would be like if you were to break up, go your separate ways and have a happy, healthy relationship with someone else.
Stage 4: giving up
The next stage is when you give up dealing with your relationship problems as they now seem impossible to resolve.
Stage 5: planning an ending
And one day you find yourself looking at your finances, lying to your partner about money as you’re secretly saving up and scanning the papers for somewhere else to live.
Stage 6: making that decision
Then, all of a sudden you’ve come to a final decision to break up. Your partner or spouse may already have seen the signs you’re going to leave.
Tips to help you support your children through the difficulties.
When a relationship ends, there is usually an inevitable sense of bereavement. Even though you may have been terribly hurt by your ex and the break up is a relief, there will still be feelings of shock, denial, fear, grief and sadness at the loss of what was once something good. And just when you’re at your lowest, when you think you can’t deal with any more pain, you’re also only too aware that this is the time your children need you most. They, too, have to cope with their own emotions about the break up.
Whilst you have lost a partner, your child has lost a parent, which is a very different experience.
Along with their sadness and confusion, they may blame themselves for what has happened, they may withdraw and become introverted, and they may become aggressive. They could also be frightened that having lost one parent, they might lose the other one too.
It’s incredibly difficult to watch your children go through this pain, but here are some dos and don’ts that may help:
Do remember that while you might have been terribly hurt by your ex, he or she is still your child’s beloved parent. Aim to work together in matters such as contact visits and child support. If this seems impossible, try at least to ensure your child is out of earshot when hurtful words are spoken.
Don’t give your children too much information. They don’t need to hear all the details of the break-up.
Don’t keep secrets from the children. This is not a contradictory statement to the above; children don’t need to know details, but they do need to be kept aware of the possible consequences. For example, if a divorce means you need to move house, don’t keep the house move a secret from your children, or they will feel even more insecure than they already do.
Do allow your child to express anger; don’t tell them it’s wrong to be angry. Comfort and reassure when the anger abates, showing them that your love is unconditional, and doesn’t depend on their mood. In the calmness, it may be that they are able to open up and talk to you; be sure to listen well.
Do give children comforting cuddles and reassurance. Even adolescents can appreciate a big hug!
Do assure them again and again that it’s not their fault, and that both you and their other parent love them very much, and will always do so.
Don’t over-compensate for the loss of a parent by spoiling the children. It doesn’t make up for something they’ve lost; it makes them even less secure. So keep to the same boundaries and guidelines as you did before – for example, keep bedtime the same as it was.
Do let your children talk freely to another adult, whether it’s a much-loved granddad, a teacher, or a close family friend. If your child can talk through their feelings with someone you both respect, it will help them come to terms with what’s happened. Yes, they can talk to you – but they might be afraid of hurting you. And they might want to say things about you, too!
With your support and reassurance, your child can come through this dark experience a better person. Having been through such pain, they can emerge as caring, empathic and responsible young people, who are able to help others just as you have helped them.
