Believe it or not, you can stay calm, defuse conflict, and keep your dignity.
We’ve all been there—trying valiantly to reason with an incredibly difficult person. The situation proves frustrating, maddening, and sometimes even frightening. The truth is, you can’t reason with an unreasonable person. However, there are proven techniques to better manage such dicey situations.
I learned the ropes of what’s technically called “verbal de-escalation” from many years working in hospitals. Every year, we’d go through training on how to defuse difficult situations in which a patient, family member, or even another employee was extremely angry and seemingly out of control.
What follows are the tactics that professional crisis intervention teams use, and you can learn them, too. You can use these techniques with your boss, a customer, a family member, even a stranger. Keep in mind: The closer your relationship the person, the more knowledge you’ll have of what will best work to calm things down.
These tips may feel unnatural at first. When you’re dealing with a person behaving unreasonably, the fear response center in your brain (the fight-flight-freeze part) is going to be activated. This part of the brain can’t distinguish between a customer that’s yelling at you or a vicious dog about to attack you. It’s up to you to engage your conscious mind in order to defuse the situation. Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset to cultivate. Others are more specific in advising you what to do in the moment.
We’ve all had clients that were extremely difficult to deal with. Some of them may not understand that what they want is too much for their budget. Others expect you to make things happen with incomplete information. Not knowing how to deal with such situations will invariably lead to the clients leaving and taking their contracts with them.
The challenges posed by a single difficult client can sometimes overshadow the benefit that they bring to the business. Courteously dealing with them is necessary to continue the business relationship, but sometimes even politeness and goodwill cannot be enough to salvage the relationship.
To this end, these 12 associates of Forbes Coaches Council share strategies any business can use to connect with and diffuse situations with a problematic client.
Members share some effective strategies for tactfully handling your most difficult clients.
Photos courtesy of the individual members.
1. Approach The Situation With Curiosity
Approach the situation with genuine curiosity. Seek to understand your client’s perspective. Acknowledge and validate their concerns. Finally, resist the urge to defend. Most people want to feel listened to and understood. Provide that opportunity by allowing your client to vent without interruption. It may be difficult to hear opinions you disagree with but it’s a necessary first step. – Cheryl Czach, Cheryl Czach Coaching and Consulting, LLC
2. Name The Elephant In The Room
If you sense something is “off,” simply state what you notice: “I notice that there seems to be tension” or “we seem to be getting off track” or “we seem less aligned.” Saying what you notice opens the door to the conversation without judgment. The goal is to learn more and see what’s really going on. You can’t change something if you don’t know what it is. – Susan Sadler, Sadler Communications LLC
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3. Understand The True Issue At Hand
First, aim to understand the true issue at hand. It’s rarely what the client says the problem is, and by doing a little digging, you can often change a difficult client into an advocate. However, if the client continues to be difficult and you can’t turn them around, then let them go. Life is short and your business is here to serve you and your team. – Doug Holt, Doug Holt Online
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4. Set Relationship Rules Upfront
Contracting with clients upfront about what’s in/out of scope, how you’ll communicate and work together, and other types of relationship norms are key to set you both up for success. When clients push against your boundaries, disrespect your needs or violate agreements you’ve established, you have a choice – address it, renegotiate or walk away. No client is worth the pain of disrespect. – Erin Rocchio, Erin Rocchio Consulting, Inc.
5. ‘Suck It Up, Buttercup’
Like my fitness coach says, “suck it up, buttercup.” Clients pay us to solve a problem and we need to leave our feelings and ego at the door. I tell myself to “chill,” hope they are just having a bad day (or year), and hope I can help ease their stress in the area they hired me for. For a few clients, I have said, “I hear and you might want to seek a pro in that area.” – Dana Manciagli, Job Search Master Class
6. Let Them Go
Fire them immediately. Don’t devalue yourself by working with “wrong fit” clients who suck your life force and soul. Focus on your top 20% and 2% and serve them. You’ll be doing yourself and your team a service by eliminating “P.I.T.A.” clients. One of my mentors once said, “If I wake up two days in a row thinking about you and we aren’t married, one of us has to leave.” – Mike Koenigs, The Superpower Accelerator
7. Reset The Rules And Re-Enroll Them
In my experience, difficult clients are mostly attracted to people they can control or manipulate. Reset the “rules” of the game with the client and re-enroll them to agree to the new guidelines. Make agreements and persuade them to keep their promise, and keep their words and actions congruent moving forward. If they break the new rules without respectful communication, it may be time to say “ciao.” – Jon Michail, Image Group International
8. Tell Them What They Don’t Want To Hear
One strategy that has allowed me to serve my clients to the fullest is setting clear expectations and partnership parameters. Extending upon the approach, we agree to hold each other accountable without any judgment and share with each other what we don’t want to hear with respect, dignity and grace. – Divya Parekh, DP Group
9. Reframe The Concept
Dealing with a “difficult” client starts with reframing the concept. Conflict, an inevitable aspect of relationships, can be seen as collaborative instead of adversarial. Craft your conversations to ensure they feel heard by acknowledging their concerns. Lay out all sides of an issue and all the facts to bring you both on the same page. Engage them in the solution to problem-solve together. – Mark Batson Baril, Resologics
10. Implement A Specific Client Model
All smart business owners and CEOs implement a specific model to apply to incoming clients. If the client does not fit the model, no matter how much revenue they bring, the client does not fit the values of the organization and you must decline them. This is an innovative method for managing challenging clients upfront, through prevention. Secondly, true leaders must be willing to fire clients. – Tammy Kling, OnFire Books
11. Begin With A Purpose-Driven Outcome
Begin every client relationship with a mutual purpose-driven outcome. Secondly, establish your “rules of engagement” – how you will work with each other in service to optimizing your purpose. Third, develop “proactive recovery plans” – an agreed plan for support when either of you is off track. Finally, determine if this client is a “fit” for your business, values, and peace of mind. – Mark Samuel, IMPAQ Corporation
12. Have Unconditional Positive Regard
Have unconditional positive regard for each client. Difficult clients are still people and they have influence on others, as well. The reason they are difficult could come from deeper issues that are pressing them or they could feel underheard or misunderstood. Always approach first with unconditional positive regard and have an honest and nonjudgmental conversation and hold the space for the client. – Jedidiah Alex Koh, Coaching Changes Lives
