How to defuse an argument

Most people become challenged and confronted on occasion by others who differ in their opinions and who desire and are determined to argue. This could be about almost anything and with almost anyone, including our most intimate partners, family members, social acquaintances or colleagues.

It is wise for both parties who enter into arguments to be able to defuse them and dissolve their anger toward each other in a relatively efficient and respectful manner. It is wise to cool down and become calmer so you can return to interacting civilly with the people you previously argued with.

Unresolved and undissolved arguments weigh heavily, both mentally and physically, on both parties. Sustained arguments can initiate a fight-or-flight response, which can take its toll on both parties’ immune systems and overall well-being.

When you find yourself entering into an argument, you may consider the following ideas and action steps to dissolve it and mitigate its effects.

• Look within. It is not what others do or say or even what happens to you that is crucial. It is about how you perceive it and what you decide to do with or about it. To have a heated and lasting argument takes two people who stubbornly desire to be right, who are taking a firm or rigid stance and who are projecting their uniquely biased and probably limited opinions onto each other. Being right seldom leads to resolution — being understanding and resilient to alternative views does. Flexible dialogues work more effectively than rigid and alternating monologues.
• Give yourself a little bit of space and a brief moment of time to calm down your initial emotional reactions. Step back and take inventory of what has actually initiated the argument. This can allow you to ask yourself some quality questions about your involvement and the reasons for and purpose of the argument. It is wiser to become poised and dance than to remain stuck in an irrational stance. If two people are exactly the same, one of them is unnecessary. Ask yourself:
  • What specifically are they doing, not doing, saying, or not saying that is initiating your emotional anger response and your desire to remain in an argument with them and be right? What role are you playing in initiating what they are doing or saying?
  • Where and when have you acted, stated, or believed in a same or similar manner? Who has observed you doing this? By identifying where and when you have acted in the same manner, it calms down extreme degrees of self-righteousness and denial. Looking at your own role is more fruitful and can add meaning and flexibility.
  • How is their side of the argument serving you? How could hearing what they have to say benefit you? There are many opinions and yours is just one of them. Being right is not always the wisest approach to human interactions. Listening and learning about alternative viewpoints can help expand our awareness and possibly social influence. Being a quality listener pays dividends. Listening carefully before we speak opens doorways of greater communication.
  • Who is agreeing with and supporting your side at the same time they desire to argue with you? We draw in people to argue with us when we are puffed up and exaggerating our position in life. The arguer is actually helping us go deeper into our true nature and develop greater equanimity within and equity between ourselves and others.
  • If at the moment they argued with you, they suddenly turned around and completely agreed with you, what would be the drawbacks and downsides? It is unwise to assume that others are there only to support us. We sometimes hold fantasies about how life is supposed to be instead of facing the true and balanced beauty of how life actually is. If everyone agreed with us, we could become stagnant and remain trapped in our delusive fantasy world. We often do not fully grow until we also become challenged. We require similarities and differences, cooperation and competition, likes and dislikes and agreements and disagreements to adapt and grow within society. We require both sides of the magnet to have magnetism.
• Stop and reflect. Go for a walk. Meditate and to become calm and centered before further reacting. Transcending emotional reactions with a more objective, expanded and reasonable viewpoint can take the heat out of extreme emotional stances. Governing yourself is the starting point for bringing resolution with others.
• Communicate your views in terms of their highest values. People are dedicated to fulfilling their own highest values, not necessarily ours. When they perceive that you are communicating in a way that helps them fulfill what is most meaningful and important to them, they calm down and become receptive and more attentively listen. Help them fulfill what they desire and they in turn will soften their stance and turn around to assist with what you desire.
• Learn to agree to disagree and still respect others’ opinions. By concentrating on any components you do agree with, it softens others’ reactions. Identify similarities as well as differences. Maximum growth and development occurs at the border of similarities and differences, supports and challenges, agreements and disagreements.

Before letting your arguments get out of hand, understand the balancing act of human nature. Help yourself and others return to equanimity, appreciation and love. Being able to say ‘thank you’ lets you know that your argument is resolved.

Arguments are a part of most relationships, friendships, and workplaces. Humans are social creatures, and inevitably we will come across a person’s perspective or a topic area with which we disagree. While we try our best to be respectful, it can be difficult keeping things neutral.

If arguing is a normal part of life, how do we do it better? How can we de-escalate an argument, keeping a minor disagreement from turning into a major blowout?

The tips below aren’t meant to help you win an argument, but rather to help defuse the argument. Each argument is unique, but many share common traits. Arguing well, and learning to keep arguments from blowing up into something bigger, is a good skill to learn for any relationship — whether it be romantic, with friends, or at work.

1. Take a breath and pause

Most people’s normal immediate reaction is to quickly respond to what was just said by the other person. Force yourself to ignore that reaction, and instead slowly count to 3: 1… 2… 3… This allows you time to collect your thoughts and consider alternative ways of responding.

For instance, we often want to defend ourselves from a personal attack, and use the opportunity to attack the other person back. Neither strategy is likely to help move the argument toward a mutually-agreeable resolution. Instead, take a moment to think of why those people with whom you disagree with are saying what they are, and what they would like to hear that may affirm you at least heard them (even if you don’t agree with them — listening is not the same as consent).

2. Respond rationally rather than emotionally

Arguments escalate because we allow our emotional minds to take over in the heat of the moment. It can be an exhilarating feeling, but such emotions tend to feed the fire of an argument, rather than working to douse the flames.

Try your best to ignore the emotional content of the other person’s argument (including personal insults or attacks) and focus on the core issue that requires working through toward a compromise or concession.

3. Remember, you do not have to prove yourself

Sometimes we continue on in an argument not for any good reason, but because we feel like we need to prove ourselves. We’ve tied our own self-worth, self-image, and self-confidence to winning. Even if by doing so, we hurt a loved one or someone we respect.

Despite what we tell ourselves, arguments are not about proving ourselves to be better or smarter than another person. We aren’t. We are human, fallible creatures just like others, and we will make mistakes and be wrong, too. Don’t make an argument about your needs or self-worth.

4. Decide the value of the argument early on

Not every argument should carry the same weight, just as not every decision we make in life has the same importance. Whether you eat a banana or an apple is a decision of very little consequence. In the same way, an argument about whether the sky right now is perfectly clear or whether there are a few, barely-detectable, high-altitude clouds is probably not one worth having.

Are you arguing about something you really care about? Is it where you’re going to go to dinner tonight, or whether you want to have another child? If you don’t particularly care about the outcome, let the other person “win” and save your energy for an argument that you’re really invested in.

5. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes & keep an open mind

Imagine your boss comes to you with a concern about not being kept up-to-date where you were with a specific project — one that his boss also wants to know the status of.

“I can see how it looked like I wasn’t making progress on the project, because I didn’t communicate it very clearly to you,” is a good example of demonstrating seeing things from your boss’s perspective.

“Look, I can’t help it if you don’t know what I’m doing. I’m practically done with the project, I just hadn’t told you yet!” is a very poor example of how to respond, because you’re not taking into account your boss’s own position and need to know (as your boss is in a position of authority over your work).

6. Learn to disagree with respect & find common ground

A lot of people aren’t really interested in whether they “win” an argument or not. Instead, what they really want is simply to be heard. A simple acknowledgment that you hear those you argue with and what they’re saying, but respectfully disagree with them is often enough for others to disengage from the argument.

Finding common ground for a compromise is a valuable strategy to employ in wording toward a quick resolution of an argument. Diplomats employ this strategy daily, and you can too by working to find the things you share in common, and building upon them. “You want steak for dinner, I want seafood… So let’s go out to a steak and seafood place!”

There Doesn’t Have to Be a Winner

Remember, there doesn’t have to be a “winner” to every argument. Two people can simply come together, discuss something of mutual interest, and then walk away without either person changing his or her mind. Or a simple compromise can be reached more quickly if both people are open-minded and are willing to give a little.

Arguments are a part of life. Learning to navigate them more deftly will help you get over these little speed bumps and get back to enjoying your life more quickly.

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John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

Dr. John Grohol is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Psych Central. He is a psychologist, author, researcher, and expert in mental health online, and has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues since 1995. Dr. Grohol has a Master’s degree and doctorate in clinical psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Grohol sits on the editorial board of the journal Computers in Human Behavior and is a founding board member of the Society for Participatory Medicine. You can learn more about Dr. John Grohol here.

You can learn how to handle arguments creatively.

Posted Feb 01, 2019

For most of us, arguing is extremely unpleasant. As we walk through our day, we hope that most of our interactions will be satisfying and free of conflict. Unfortunately, despite the best of intentions, some interactions devolve and turn into arguments. Then we have to reach into our emotional toolbox and try our best to work our way through the argument in the most gracious way possible. This is a very trying task much of the time. There are, however, some creative ways to deal with conflict. The goal, of course, is to calm down potentially volatile situations so that you and the person entangled in the conflict can maintain your dignity and hopefully your relationship.

There are so many reasons that individuals argue. If you look at patterns, however, you will notice that you and your partner, kids, colleagues, and friends tend to argue about the same few topics over and over. Take a moment and write down the topics that are most likely to get you embroiled in conflict. Then, please join me as I describe strategies to help you creatively and effectively handle arguments.

1. If possible and only if you know the person well, try to inject a little humor into the dialogue. Here, we can take some advice from aging married couples. A 13-year study of emotional behavior in couples over time by Verstaen et al. (2018) found that as couples age, they are more likely to use humor in their interactions. It appears that humor rather than continued bickering is the way to go. So, the next time you are in an argument with your daughter or good friend, try to lighten things up by introducing a little levity before you continue to talk things through. Be very careful of the timing because you absolutely do not want your partner in conflict to think that you are not taking them seriously. We all know that it is very aggravating when we are not taken seriously. In fact, not being taken seriously is the reason we argue with some, yes?

2. Consider a redo. I have seen this work beautifully. If things start to go very wrong either ask for a redo or provide the other person with a second chance. Here, you get a chance to start all over again on a better note. You will be surprised at how much others appreciate this. Here you are acknowledging that things can be done in a kinder and more effective manner by starting over. Let’s hear it for second chances. Everyone deserves them.

3. Help the other person regain their composure. If someone says something that seems a bit rough and you are invested in the relationship, you may want to help them out of the situation that they have created. Consider saying something like “You didn’t mean to say that, did you?” or “I know you don’t ever intend to be unkind.” You may be shocked by how often people with good intentions appreciate the chance to redeem themselves.

4. Buy some time. If things are escalating too quickly and you find that you are losing control of your feelings and can’t think clearly, then request a pause. If you can hit a pause button you may be able to avoid an unnecessary and unproductive set of exchanges. Consider saying “Now, is not a good time” or “I need some time to think about that.” Let the person know that what they are saying is important and that you will come back to it. You certainly do not want to give the impression that the person’s thoughts and feelings are unimportant to you. If they are, then that is an entirely different issue. If you promise to get back to someone then make sure to do just that. Making someone important feel unimportant is a terrible way to go. We all know the sinking feeling we get when someone forgets about us. There is not much that is worse than that in relationships.

5. Pause, breathe, and think before words leave your lips. Even a 2- or 3-second pause can help you make a better choice of words. And we all know how bitter words and misunderstandings can sting. How many times have you wished that you could take your words and shove them right back into your mouth?

I hope that these strategies make life a little gentler for you. And, if despite your best intentions, a relationship is fraught with arguments, you may want to consider a bit of disengagement if possible.

A few weeks ago on a Friday evening I wasn’t feeling the greatest. I was really busy, stressed, and, to top all that off, sick with a head cold.

That evening, my boyfriend and I had gone out to get some takeout. During the trip I began sharing some of my recent thoughts and frustrations. One thing led to another and pretty soon I found him getting angry and us nearly getting into a full-fledged argument.

The key here is that I said nearly got into an argument. It was weird because we didn’t really end up actually arguing. Him getting a bit angry was as far as things went. In fact, things diffused so quickly that by the time we got home we were hugging and exchanging “I love yous.”

How did I do it? Well here are steps to follow to help you diffuse any argument before it actually starts:

Step 1: Remain calm. Whenever the conversation starts to get a bit heated and different views and opinions are conflicting, we tend to get very angry. As a result, we can end up saying things that we didn’t really want to say or saying things that we later regret. When this happens, we are caught up in our ego (aka our fear-based mind) rather than our true love-based selves.

When in this ego-driven mode of being, we can tend to really hurt other people and, most importantly, ourselves. So one way to get out of our fixation on our ego is to get calm. Bring your focus back to your body and to your breath. Take deep breaths and check-in on how your feel in your body and overall being — both physically and emotionally.

Simply making the effort to get and be calm alone can be an incredibly powerful tool, as it prevents us from saying anything that we don’t really mean or anything that we will regret later on.

Step 2: Let go of need to be “right” or heard. The second thing that we often do when we find ourselves getting into an argument is that we experience this strong need to be heard and to be “right.” This need to be “right” is also an ego-driven response.

Though seems completely contradictory, the reality is that when we let go of the desire to be “right,” it gives us more strength and power.

So let go of any drive or desire to be heard or right in the argument and allow things to simply be as it is. To simply let it be, is to choose love rather than fear.

Step 3: Listen. Whenever there is some kind of conflict or problem, many of us start feeling like we need to say something in order to make things better. However, I must say that the older and older I get the more I realize that the opposite is true.

Let me be clear: We don’t always need to verbally talk about things to “clear the air” and make things better. Many times, all that needs to happen is for someone to really truly listen. When someone is really truly heard and another person really truly listens, this is where true healing can actually take place.

But Jen, whenever I do that I feel like a doormat! Oh trust me — I totally feel you there! That was like the story of my life for several years, but here’s the thing: We will only feel like a doormat when our underlying motivation is fear rather than love. We will never feel like a doormat whenever we are in a place of inner strength and love.

So if you ever do feel like a “doormat” then sit back and ask yourself: Am I calm? Have I fully let go of a need to be “right”? If not, then take the time to do so.

It is when we truly wish to serve that we come from a place of absolute inner strength and love. It is in those moments when we have truly disengaged from our ego and have chosen love instead.

Step 4: Wait patiently. Once you have made the conscious decision for yourself in the previous steps to choose love over fear, now the only thing left to do is wait. Simply allow things to be and allow the other person to process whatever they need to process.

During this time continue to hold this space of love and strength for yourself. Also, if you did happen to say some words that you regret in anyway, then you may feel that now is a good time to apologize.

Remember to be open and receptive. Don’t necessarily expect an apology or a reconciliation right away, as that will take you out of a place of love and back into ego. But simply remember to be open and ready to receive so that if it does happen naturally then you are ready to receive it.

Take action now!

Think of an argument that you have been in recently. How have these steps may have changed the outcome? Is there any step that you feel may be more difficult for you to do rather than the others? How will you handle your next potential argument? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

The blog was originally published on JenniferTwardowski.com

Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and teacher. She helps women worldwide create fulfilling relationships and lives by helping their hearts’ true desires to become a reality. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation.

5 Ways to Diffuse an Argument with your Spouse

If you’re like most people, you don’t like to be wrong. You have in your head how you want things to be and, when they don’t go your way, it’s hard to see others’ perspectives. This seems to be especially difficult when it comes to communicating with your spouse. Like most couples, we argue. We also work, together, however, on finding ways to avoid arguments. Here are 5 ways that we’ve found to diffuse an argument with your spouse.

Remember Your Relationship

When it comes time to listen to your spouse, go into the conversation remembering the relationship that you share. If the topic is a heavy one, or you know that you might feel defensive in some way, focus, not on the uncomfortable feelings, but instead on the connection that you share with the other person and how much you care for them. Remind yourself that they would never do anything to hurt you, just as you wouldn’t want to hurt them.

We work hard to remind one another each day of our connection. When going into one of those talks, we always start it with a quick kiss or “I love you.” It helps us to take a step back and remember what’s important before discussing the topic at hand.

Just Breathe

There’s a reason why advice when you’re worked up is to “take a deep breath and count to 10.” It is because it gives you a few seconds to collect yourself and think more clearly, giving you time to be sure that you’re being a good listener and giving all that you can of yourself to the conversation.

In our family, as we have challenging conversations, we often ask one another for time outs. It’s not that we want to walk away and not return to the conversation, but that we need just a moment to think (and breathe) before we speak. This is a crucial way to diffuse an argument.

Get Past Yourself

As conversation heats up, it’s often difficult to remember that your spouse feels strongly about his/her opinions too. Rather than placing all of your energy on trying to make him/her feel the way that you do, try to see things from his/her perspective. If you take a moment to collect yourself (and breathe, as already mentioned) try to think about why your spouse feels as strongly as they do.

When you return to the conversation, after trying to put yourself in the other’s place, enter calmly and try to use the phrase “I understand why you feel…” This approach has worked for us and has helped us to place the focus on our feelings for each other rather than the prideful desire to be right.

Have a Signal or Inside Joke

When seas are calm and you aren’t in the midst of a heated conversation, setting up a signal to indicate that you don’t want to fight can be great for helping to diffuse more challenging times. Whether it’s using the “time out” sign, sincerely blowing the other a kiss or waving a white flag, a physical signal that you can show the other can help to indicate that you don’t want things to get out of hand and aren’t looking for an argument.

Similar to a physical signal, an inside joke can stop a fight in its tracks. When talk is getting heated, referring to something that you both take joy in, or recalling something that you experienced together can help bring humor to both of you. Once you get laughing, you may be better able to talk through things, rather than argue.

In times where we’re having more difficult conversations, we take turns with “remember when we…” stories. They vary from one experience to another, but if we change the topic, just for a moment, we’re able to collect our thoughts and have a better thought-out discussion.

Walk away (Nicely!)

If you feel that an argument is imminent and you’ve tried everything else to diffuse it, it may be time to walk away. Rather than stomping out of the room and slamming the door (only makes things worse) explain that you don’t want to say anything unkind and need some time to yourself. Then walk away and go to another room. Once you both have calmed down, you may be better able to talk.

We work to remember that part of having a strong marriage is giving one another space…especially when talk gets heated. By removing ourselves from the situation we’re able to make sure that we are being respectful of one another and our relationship.

Do you have other ideas on how to diffuse an argument with your spouse? Please share what works for you!

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of heated argument with a loved one or colleague and you’re not even sure how it got started? It happens more often and more easily than you might think. Thousands of years of evolution have left us wired for conflict, much quicker to go on the defensive–or even on the attack–than look for ways to compromise and cooperate.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Before any conversation devolves into a shouting match, you have the opportunity to shift gears and have a fruitful discussion instead. So next time you find yourself and the person or people you’re talking with heading down that bad path to all-out conflict, do something else instead. Stop and say nothing for a beat or two, during which you should take a couple of deep, slow breaths. Check your body language and if you’ve drifted into an aggressive posture or stance, change your position to something more neutral or friendly.

Then try saying one of the following phrases. I can’t guarantee they’ll prevent you from having an argument, but they will give you your best shot at taking the conversation in a different, more constructive direction:

1. What I heard you say is.

Most people get angriest when they feel dismissed, ignored, or misunderstood. That’s why repeating back what someone has told you (ideally in your own phrasing) is one of the best ways there is to keep a conversation from turning hostile. You’ve just made it clear that you care about the other person’s viewpoint and want to you understand it. Even better, if someone said something they didn’t mean, or what you heard wasn’t what was intended, they get the chance to set the record straight.

2. What’s your biggest concern?

Many people instinctively avoid naming their worst fears. That means the other person may be afraid about something you’re not even aware of. Asking them to tell you what worries them the most means you may be able to alleviate those fears. And, once again, it tells them you care about what they care about.

3. What do you need right now?

Again, you’ve shown you care about their needs. You’ve also opened the door to finding a constructive compromise, since solving their most immediate problems may give you the time and good will to find a bigger, more permanent solution.

4. What would it take to make you happy?

This is the bigger-picture version of the previous question. Asking someone what would make them happy tells them you care about their happiness. And you’ll often be surprised at how something relatively simple may make all the difference.

5. How are you feeling?

This is a good phrase to use early in your conversation, giving you the chance to gauge the other person’s emotional and physical state. You’re also inviting him or her to check in and see if an emotional upset or physical discomfort is affecting your interaction. But be careful. You don’t want to suggest that someone’s concerns are all caused by low blood sugar or lack of sleep. That will just make things worse.

6. I’m afraid of.

You’ve asked the other person to voice his or her greatest fears. You should do the same because chances are those fears are driving you into the argument you seek to avoid. And once you’ve spoken them out loud you may learn that those fears are unfounded.

7. I’m sad because.

It’s all too easy to mistake sadness for anger, and vice versa. So if you feel like you’re heading for an argument, or you find yourself getting angry, stop for a moment and ask yourself if you’re reacting to a feeling of loss instead. Telling someone else what you’re sad about–like saying what you’re afraid of–means that you’re willing to let down your defenses and be honest. They may react by doing the same.

8. Let’s get some ice cream.

It doesn’t have to be ice cream, although ice cream will literally cool you down and seems to carry its own happiness factor. It could be a cup of coffee, or a yogurt, or even a glass of water. The point is to satisfy a basic physical need, such as hunger or thirst, together. That may set you on the path to filling other needs as well.

9. Let’s take a break until.

Sometimes all you need to avoid an argument is a little time apart to get over feeling angry and get a fresh perspective. Taking a break until later that day, or the following morning, can be a great way to accomplish this. But make sure to specify a time when you would like to resume the conversation. Otherwise, you risk leaving conflicts unresolved and resentments simmering.

10. What if.

For almost every situation there’s a potential out-of-the-box solution. When my husband and I locked horns over his desire to live in an RV, and mine to live in downtown Seattle, he proposed that we get both and go back and forth between them. It was an impractical solution that we never implemented, but it turned the conflict on its head and eventually led us to a solution that works for both of us.

11. Do we need to agree about this?

People often get locked into conflict when each tries to convince the other that his or her viewpoint is the correct one. In many cases, that’s unnecessary. I don’t need you to believe what I believe–I just need us to find a course of action we can both accept. Next time you find yourself trapped in a debate about ideology or principle, ask yourself if you can find a solution tht would satisfy both parties, without either convincing the other that they’re right. Chances are, you can.

Those are the best ways I know to keep a conversation from becoming an argument. What are yours?

Marni Feuerman is a psychotherapist in private practice who has been helping couples with marital issues for more than 27 years.

In This Article

Arguments are an inevitable part of marital life. Most of us have heated discussions with those we are closest to us, and that particularly holds true with our spouses. However, while arguments may sometimes be unavoidable, letting matters get out of hand is not. If you find yourself in a verbal altercation, use these tips to defuse the argument and return you to a place of peace and calm where you can rationally discuss your differences.

1. Listen

In most arguments, neither side is completely right or completely wrong. Your partner probably does have a point. If you can learn to see their perspective, you will understand why they are angry or upset. This will allow you to give a little ground and move toward a positive agreement. Many fights boil down to a misunderstanding. You not even be arguing about the same thing. Slow down and listen and you may find your differences are less significant than you thought.

2. Calm Down

Many arguments that should be minor can quickly blow up because both parties let their emotions get the better of them. In the heat of the moment, cruel, damaging words can be spoken that will later be deeply regretted. Avoid such mistakes by staying as calm as possible.

Staying calm during a heated conversation can be difficult, so one good idea is to take a break from the discussion if you feel your anger rising. Do something relaxing and stress-reducing, like deep breathing, before returning to the conversation.

3. Accept Your Differences

Ideally, all arguments would end with both sides agreeing and walking away happy. In the real world, some differences cannot realistically be solved. One of the keys to conflict management is learning when to recognize a lost cause. If neither of you is going to budge, then humbly end the conversation and move on. For example, many happily married couples have learned that there are certain topics they should not discuss. Perhaps politics, or the behavior of a relative. It helps if you can accept that some problems in your marriage are not solvable.

4. Stick to the Topic

An argument about who forgot to take out the trash should not be used as an excuse to insult your spouse’s character. When you are irritated it is easy for the scope of a fight to broaden, and for the dispute to become a chance for both sides to vent their annoyance on any and all topics. This will just cause pain and will not help solve the original problem. If you must argue, at least stay focused on the matter at hand. The more the argument centers on specifics, the better the chance for a peaceful outcome.

5. Stop Caring About Winning

When couples get into big arguments, their egos can get in the way of a resolution. Sometimes a dispute of minuscule proportions will continue for hours because each partner wants to ‘win’ the argument and prove the other person wrong. Of course, this only makes matters worse. Remember, harsh fighting is a lose-lose scenario for a marriage. You will ultimately be happier if you back down or just agree to disagree. Trying to win the argument will only make reconciliation harder.

6. Watch Your Body Language and Tone

Painful, destructive confrontations do not just consist of hurtful words and insults. Shouting and screaming or an aggressive, standoffish stance can do just as much damage as harsh words spoken. Sometimes, without even noticing, a person will raise their tone or adopt a belligerent stance. Pay attention to how you hold yourself, and speak in a calm, neutral, polite voice. Whatever the nature of the discussion, maintaining a friendly attitude will indicate that you do not want the argument to escalate.

Share and discuss these techniques with each other. The two of you will probably still get into arguments, but at least you will have a method for minimizing unnecessary insults and resolving it without lingering bad feelings. If you find that you keep engaging in repeated, negative patterns of fighting, professional help is always available to get you on the right track.

junglist

The art of arguing is something surprisingly few of us choose to master, despite it being a skill that 100% of us could use in our lifetime. It’s not taught in school, and popular media seems to promote one-upping each other in an argument, rather than an ‘everyone wins’ approach. The School of Life’s Youtube channel goes through a few different ways an argument can play out in a relationship, and a few things to watch out for.

It spends more than half the video on what not to do, but that’s probably a good thing, because it’s easy to see things we’ve done before when acted out by someone else. I can put my hand up and admit to more than a few of these. But putting this advice into practice in the heat of the moment? Easier said than done.

Have a look and see if you’ve been guilty of any of these classic mistakes. The video doesn’t go into who’s right or wrong, which is perhaps in itself a statement about how much that actually matters. This is about communication styles, and where to go in your head when your partner isn’t his or herself. And above all, avoiding escalation.

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Comments

If this exists, why don’t we care how a message is delivered if it agrees with our perspective? I mean doesn’t this teach us to communicate with empathy? Where’s the call for that when Gawker tries to start sh!tfights with people they at least should know won’t be able to relate to? If this is an effective way of communication, why don’t people, like, practise it? It astounds me how awful, ignorant and demonizing people are in attempting to communicate their perspective.

Yeah, that videos pretty spot on. I can spot a lot of ways I was wrong in previous relationships… especially when I was being a condescending c**t when my partners were genuinely angry at me. I’d do the politician thing a LOT due to learning how to crisis manage at work. Tried to bring it home and holy shit… that was a mistake.

By Tabitha Khaye On 7/29/2014 in Uplifting Email to a friend

Arguments are part of life. No matter who you are there is no way of avoiding them sooner, or later conflict is going to occur. How we handle them has often been modeled to us by our parents as we grow up. A lot of people deal with conflict in ways that are not healthy, or good for either person. Some resort to knock down, drag out, cutting remarks that are meant to hurt the other person. Often it is to try and regain our pride and feel better about our selves. They hurt your pride and took a piece of you, now you’re trying to save face and take it back. Three really helpful rules for dealing with an argument are:

1. Diffuse The Situation Quickly.
Diffuse the situation and resolve it as quickly as possible before it escalates. In my relationship we firmly follow the scripture example of not staying angry, or going to bed still mad, we talk it out, and forgive, before going to bed. It is not negotiable we expect it of each other, I refuse to wake up angry and begin another day that way.

Eph 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

2. Stick To The Issue.
Stick to the issue at hand and deal specifically with that problem only. Resist the urge to bring up old problems, and compound them in, with the new ones. In counselling, I used to call it P.H.D. Piling the baggage Higher, and Deeper. Bringing up and throwing the past wrongs into a persons face only makes the problem bigger and is never helpful.

3. Do Not Retaliate, instead hesitate.
Do not resort to retaliating, lashing out, or using cutting remarks. Once that venomous bite has been done it is very hard to repair. The damage is done, and once bitten twice shy. You have hurt them in the hopes of regaining your personal power back because they hurt you. Instead purposely hesitate, take a minute to think before you speak.

4. Seek to confront and resolve immediately.
To resolve the argument address it immediately before it can grow bigger and escalate. Be the peacemaker right in the beginning. That requires humility but it is well worth it. Be honest and share with the person what they did wrong. Do not use language that is guaranteed to make them defensive, for example instead of saying something like WHY? or YOU DID THIS, tone it down, and try saying something like WHEN THAT HAPPENED IT BOTHERED ME, CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT, OR HOW CAN WE CHANGE THIS?

5. Forgive the person, or at least be willing to try to forgive.
Even if you don’t feel it from the heart at the time say the words, “I forgive you.” Fake it until you feel it, and let it go. Remember if you want God to forgive you, you have to forgive others, or God will not forgive you. That does not mean you put yourself in harm’s way, or return to a violent partner, it means you forgive from the heart and let go of the anger so you then become free to heal.

This video has some great examples of how this all works together.

No matter how well your family gets along most of the year, the holidays are a particularly fertile time for a family argument. Put a lot of family members together in a small space for an extended period, add sugar and boredom, and submerged feuds, irritation and political disagreements are nearly guaranteed flare. It’s extremely common and not the end of the world — but if your holiday gatherings inevitably end up in screaming matches, it’s worth having a few things to say to diffuse an argument in your back pocket.

The term for defusing an argument among psychologists is “de-escalating conflict.” While it’s helpful to have these techniques in your arsenal, de-escalation isn’t magic. It doesn’t mean the fight comes to a screaming halt, or that everybody becomes best friends again; some disagreements are so intense that there’s no real way to heal them, and often it’s a good idea to get things out into the open. However, certain phrases and approaches can help take things down a notch, from all out war to more civil disagreements. If a clash is inevitable, it’s wise to have a few tricks up your sleeve to lower the volume and inch closer to a resolution. The fights may range from the trivial — “Why does the stuffing taste like sawdust?” — to the more intense, personal arguments that seem to reoccur every few seasons, but each of these techniques can help calm them down. Here are a few things experts suggest saying to diffuse a family argument.

“Repeating back what someone has told you (ideally in your own phrasing) is one of the best ways there is to keep a conversation from turning hostile,” business writer Miranda Zetlin wrote for Inc. “You’ve just made it clear that you care about the other person’s viewpoint and want to show you understand it,” even if you don’t agree with it.

Using this phrase is not a chance to explain their words back to them; it’s a chance to show that you’ve heard their argument and that if you disagree with it, it’s not because of a lack of understanding. Many disagreements begin as a result of not feeling understood, so making this point can help diffuse that particular tension.

Reading it back, saying this sounds volatile or even sarcastic — but it’s all in the delivery. Asking what somebody wants out of an argument is very different to demanding to know what they want once and for all. Lifehacker explains that asking “what they want from the argument” can uncover underlying issues; if they’re picking a fight because they’re actually unhappy you didn’t bring home a date, or want you to admit that you’ve gained too much weight, at least they can be clear about it. Take care with tone when you deliver this, and maybe don’t deploy it on your passive-aggressive parent, but this saying can help take the argument from the nitty-gritty to the big picture.

Conflict de-escalation in the workplace can offer several tips for smoothing things over at home. Getting into heated discussions? The Harvard Business Review suggests saying things that imply that “you value the other person and her perspectives.” Even if you think what’s being said is daft, you can still be the person who acts like an adult.

HBR suggest saying things like “Thanks for raising this issue,” “I think it took guts to put that on the table,” and what I view as a killer statement: “You come at this from a very different perspective than I do, so it’s natural that we see it differently.” Sometimes perspectives just can’t be reconciled, but agreeing to disagree can be hard. Instead, thanking them for bringing it up is a kind way to suggest you’d like to leave it at that.

This is a good one for arguments that arise from hurt feelings. Mom feeling neglected that you only visit at Christmas? Brother upset that you don’t want to play video games like you did when you were 12? Lisa Firestone at Psychology Today explains that it’s helpful to empathize and understand where they’re coming from, even if it’s not what you were going for. “It seems like this makes you feel X. I’m really sorry about that. It is not my intention to do X” is a helpful formulation. Compassion doesn’t cost anything, even if you think the other person is being ridiculous for feeling hurt in this situation.

This is not a conflict-avoidance technique; it’s you allowing everybody to calm down before having a more rational discussion, when they’re at the point of throwing the turkey at one another (or you). This is a particularly good way to deal with passive-aggressive people, says Berkeley’s Greater Good Institute. “Attempting to begin a dialogue when one or both of you are in a very negative headspace will cause the person who behaves passive-aggressively to shut down or to escalate the situation,” they explain. “Take a minute to chill out and calm down before approaching each other and the issue.”

This isn’t just saying something random to derail the situation (though, depending on your family’s sense of humor, that might work too); it’s a code word. Relate suggests pre-agreeing on a family word to say when things are escalating. “Try to find a code word that either of you (or the children) can say out loud when an argument is getting out of hand,” they say. “This often diffuses the tension, and sends the message that whatever the argument is about, it will not be resolved in that moment. Each family could have a code word that is only known to them.” Sounds ludicrous, but it’s a technique to get people to settle for a minute, even if the argument flares up again when they’re calmer. No, it doesn’t have to be pineapple.

The key to getting people onto your side in a serious family argument, or at least getting them to listen, is to “communicate your views in terms of their highest values,” according to NPR. That means framing what you’re saying in terms of what they want and prioritize: “Help them fulfill what they desire and they in turn will soften their stance and turn around to assist with what you desire.” If the argument isn’t getting anywhere, though, shout “Pineapple!” and go off and have some eggnog. Your family will be still there when you get back.

Want to know how to diffuse an argument?
Or diffuse a situation that has got out of control?
And do so in a way that doesn’t cause long-term resentment?

When it comes to fights in a relationship, we can surprisingly learn something from the Bananarama song:

“It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it”.

The reality of relationships is that most couples fight from time to time. This is NORMAL. So the critical point to maintaining a healthy happy relationship is not so much the fact that you are fighting (because that’s normal) …but how you handle those fights.

And the reality is there are a number of different methods to doing this and diffusing a fight before it gets out of control.

How Relationship Therapists Advise You To Handle Fights

First, let’s look at how a relationship therapist will advise you on this matter…

Traditionally, in most relationship therapy sessions, the therapist will advise couples to handle conflict head-on and relentlessly. If someone tries to change the subject, they are forced to come back and stick with the topic until it is resolved.

The idea behind this is to help get to the root source of the conflict and so get both parties to work through it until it is resolved. While this does have a certain degree of success (and I recommend it), there is just one small thing your therapist is unlikely to ever tell you.

This is generally NOT how happy couples naturally handle their fights. World renowned relationship expert John Gottman (best known for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction) found through his research that happy couples will, instead, generally try to disrupt their fights in all sorts of different ways. Methods they use to defuse an argument include:

• Going off on irrelevant tangents of conversation
• Telling jokes
• Finding a benign reason to end the conversation

These are methods a traditional relationship therapist would generally try to put a stop to. But for some reason, they seem to work for happy couples.

How come?

There are three reasons why this unconventional method seems to work. They are:

1. Prevents Escalation Of The Argument: However crude the above tactic might appear, it achieves one key goal – it prevents the argument from escalating. “Take the bin out” never becomes “You’re a bad person”. And that’s a good thing.
2. Keeps Both Parties Calm: Our ability to argue well is dependent on our ability to keep calm. Once an argument starts to get heated and the persons heart rate goes above 100, the persons ability to argue in a rational manner becomes affected. Any argument that is handled calmly stands a good chance of being resolved. And that’s a good thing.
3. Both Parties Are Rational: At the end of all this, happy couples are smart enough to know to take the key points brought up by their partner on board …and resolve to fix them. They are smart enough to do this without allowing the argument to escalate any further than is necessary. And that’s a good thing.

Now whether you want to debate this tactic or not, the reality is that this is what happy couples tend to do in practice. And I’ll be honest, this is generally what I tend to do myself!

The Problem Is Though…

That not all couples are rational.

Happy couples have success with the above tactic because they are both rational. They listen to the argument brought up by their parter, then change the subject to avoid the argument from becoming any bigger than is necessary …and then quietly resolve to fix that problem (often without verbally saying this to their partner).

This diffuses the situation and prevents the build up of contempt which often happens as a result of repeated arguments which are never resolved.

This tactic will not work if one person is rational and the other irrational …or both parties are irrational. If someone is irrational, they won’t be smart enough to de-escalate an argument like this and resolve to fix the points brought up by their partner.

This is largely dependent on the individual persons personality type and the personality type of their partner (and how both of these personality types tend to compliment or conflict with one another).

There are 4 main personality types. They are:

1. Dominant personality type
2. Influencial personality type
3. Supporter personality type
4. Conservative personality type

Psychologists call this the DISC personality system. And understanding which personality type you have and which one your partner has is critical to understanding why you and your partner may be fighting (and how to fix this). I cover these 4 personality types in my book “ THE LOVEMAP CODE: How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Using Psychology ” and show how to use this information to not only resolve conflicts, but make the person fall in love with you.

If you and your partner each have a personality type that abrades with the other, then going down the traditional relationship therapy route of tackling conflict head-on (as unpleasant as this may seem) might be your only solution.

Now that we’re all starting to leave our houses a bit more, we’re going to encounter a reality that might feel a little new again: other people.

And, in Philly’s characteristically cantankerous style, that can lead to conflicts. Conflicts over masks, over personal space, and over any of the other million things that someone could get upset about.

“People are stressed,” says Tracy Hornig, an independent communications and conflict specialist who often works with Media’s Center for Resolutions. “There’s a lot going on. They go out in public and something happens, and they blow. It’s going to happen.”

But if you encounter a coronavirus freak-out in public — or feel the need to confront someone yourself — don’t worry. There are some things you can do to de-escalate the situation before it gets out of hand, thanks to the advice of some local mediators and conflict-resolution experts. Here is what you need to know:

Don’t take it personally

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Say you’re out at the grocery store, and a fellow shopper blows up at you over a perceived slight — maybe you didn’t keep the full six feet away as recommended. What’s important to keep the situation from escalating, Hornig says, is to not take it personally — especially because it often isn’t.

“When we take it personally, it becomes a much bigger problem,” she says. “In most cases, it’s not personal. It is being directed at you, but the person attacking has a whole world you are not seeing.”

It is useful, she adds, to think about the situation like an iceberg — the tip of which is the problem that you see. The larger problems, however, are below the surface, and are often made up of issues that aren’t related to what seems like the problem in the moment. Those larger issues can sometimes make people feel vulnerable or powerless, which results outwardly in anger.

“Have a little empathy for people,” she says. “Be aware that they are human, and let’s meet them where they are at and see if we can help de-escalate before it gets out of control.”

Try to understand

Another step in helping to de-escalate a conflict, says Sue Wasserkrug, program administrator of the Good Shepherd Mediation Program, is to really try to understand where the other person is coming from. Letting that person know that you hear their concerns — even if you don’t agree with them — is huge.

“That way, the person feels like you are listening, and you are taking them seriously,” which can help keep the situation from getting worse, Wasserkrug says. “Think about what they are trying to communicate to you, and make sure you understand what they are concerned about.”

If you are comfortable having a conversation, Wasserkrug adds, your tone of voice is always important. Being calm and asking questions to clarify that person’s concerns can be helpful, and don’t assume that your perspective is the only perspective.

Don’t try to explain your way out of the dispute. “One of the biggest mistakes people make is that when they’re faced with a situation where somebody has become escalated, they try to resolve it by explaining why they did what they did,” Hornig says. “What it does is it can escalate the problem even further.”

It’s not about being right

With quick, public confrontations, says Randy Duque, deputy director of the Philadelphia Commission on Human Relations’ Community Relations Division, it’s all about self-control and self-awareness. Don’t go into a situation trying to change a person’s behavior, or try to be right — instead, just try to keep things from getting out of hand.

“You can really only control your own actions and behaviors,” he says. “You can’t control someone else, especially a stranger. It’s hard to get in there and convince someone that you’re right and the other person is wrong. That’s not really the intention.”

During these types of interactions, he says, people are flooded with emotion, and it is difficult to have a logical discussion. With that in mind, it may be better to accommodate the other person, just in the interest of reducing tension and defusing the situation quickly.

“Stop and think, and then act — not react,” he says.

Body language is huge

Hornig is a proponent of psychology professor Albert Mehrabian’s “7-38-55” rule, which states that when it comes to communication, 7% of the interaction is spoken words, 38% is voice and tone, and 55% is body language.

“Body language is a big piece of it,” Hornig says. “How you respond can really determine whether that individual is going to get amped up, or whether they’re going to kind of calm down and get to a place where you can have a reasonable conversation.”

Generally, you will want to make sure you are making eye contact, but not holding it directly so as not to seem intimidating. Keep a neutral facial expression, and your hands in front of you. Being at the same eye level can also help, as can standing at an angle to the other person rather than facing off. Overall, Hornig says, just try to appear open and relaxed.

It is important to keep some distance, which shouldn’t be an issue given the six-foot rule. But when dealing with a stranger in a public space, Hornig says, it’s better to keep about 12 feet away — a distance you should maintain so as to give the person some space and decrease stress. If it is someone you know, that number changes to a range of four to 12 feet.

Emily Price

I really dislike confrontation and will do pretty much anything in my power to avoid most arguments. Still, like anyone, I end up in a few every now and then. I’ve read a ton of different techniques for handling tense situations, but I heard some great advice this week: “Just ask what they want from the argument.” The speaker attributed it to Oprah. While that might be true, there’s no record I can find of her ever saying it. It is good advice, though.

The idea is that while I actively avoid conflict, some people actively pursue it. And although they might have a goal in mind when they start yelling, that goal might be muddled by a lot of emotion, and get lost in translation or maybe not get said at all.

For instance, you might be upset that your spouse forgot your birthday, but instead you confront them about dirty dishes, an open window or a cluttered nightstand. To the other person, it looks like you’re just suddenly upset by clutter, which can be confusing if that isn’t your regular MO. When your spouse doesn’t understand why you’re upset, that’s likely to make you even more upset, and the whole situation can spiral out of control.

Instead, respond to an argument with a calm and respectful request asking what the other person is trying to accomplish with the fight.

Hopefully, that will facilitate him or her either telling you what the issue is, or looking at the situation and realising what they really want out of it is a hug and snack, or maybe they just want an apology for some wrong that you did them you don’t even realise. By asking, you can get to the root of the problem a little quicker, and hopefully avoid the whole epic battle portion of the conflict. Or at the very least you’re offering to listen to that person’s concerns, which is often the point of a fight, to begin with.

Once you hear what an issue is, you can respond (again, calmly and respectfully) and address their concerns. Or, even better, you can just respond with “I hear you,” because you did, in fact, hear them. Maybe you still disagree, but in some cases, that’s still OK. Often just acknowledging that you hear and understand the other person’s point of view might be enough to end the conflict (or at least open up a productive dialogue about it) and preserve your friendship/marriage/job in the process.

When you’re in a relationship, you spend a lot of time with your partner and no matter how much you love one another, you’re bound to get on each other’s nerves once in awhile.

They leave crusty dishes in the sink. They leave socks in the middle of the floor. And you know they’ve been sneaking sweets even though you both swore you’d make an extra effort to stick to a healthy diet.

These little irritants can lead to big problems if you let your emotions get the better of you. Instead of letting fights fester, here are four ways to tamp out an argument that will work to bring you and your partner closer together. This is one of the true keys to building a healthy mature relationship.

Get Vulnerable

There’s one phrase that can stop an argument in its tracks: “That hurt me.” When we feel as if we’re being attacked, it’s human instinct to shut down and strike back. Instead of letting your partner in, you want to block them out and this will only serve to ramp up the conflict.

Instead, open yourself up. Show them that you are vulnerable by telling them how they’ve hurt you. Showing vulnerability will completely change the trajectory of the argument, halting the conflict and giving you both the opportunity to take a step back and think about what you mean to each other.

Ask What the Fight is Really About

Often when you’re fighting about the dishes in the sink, what you’re angry about isn’t really the pots and pans. Chances are, if you and your partner find yourself having a big argument over something that doesn’t really matter, the true root of the issue is much deeper.

In order to avoid escalating a conflict, you need to establish what you are actually arguing about.

If they’re fuming mad that you went behind their back and watched a couple episodes of Friends when you were supposed to be binge watching it together, it’s probably more about how they feel like you don’t make time for them anymore.

Once you know the true issue, then you can set about finding concrete ways to remedy it. You’re going to fight. You might as well fight about what’s really bothering you.

Take A Time-Out

In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to take a step back and evaluate what’s going on. You may have heard that you’re not supposed to go to bed angry, but sometimes it’s crucial to put a pin in an argument and save it for later.

Taking time away from a fight allows you to get some distance from the situation. Sometimes fights hit stasis—the only thing changing is the volume of your voice. As you both get louder and louder, you are getting further and further away from a resolution.

That’s because you’ve stopped having a dialogue and started having a contest.

Bring it back down a few decibels and take a breather. When you come back to it, you’ll come at the issue from a different, less emotionally explosive angle because you’ll remember the reason you are together in the first place: a deep affection for each other.

Take Responsibility

It’s easy to become defensive when your partner pulls you into an argument. They’ve brought up something that upsets them and you feel personally attacked.

Running defence is a natural instinct. This is one of the ways we protect ourselves, but sometimes the only thing you are protecting is your pride.

Instead of throwing something back in their face (like how they never put the toilet seat down), take responsibility for your actions. After all, you’re not perfect.

Acknowledge your role in the conflict. And then focus on changing your behaviour to avoid future disagreements, because life is definitely too short to keep fighting about the same thing.

The fact is, if you’re in a relationship you are bound to disagree with your partner every once in a while. The key is to not let arguments get out of hand. So follow these tactics and work towards concrete resolutions that will minimize conflict and bring you two closer together.

About The Author

Lisa Force is a relationship nerd from San Jose, California. Her passion for helping men and women enjoy happier, healthier romantic relationships is backed by over six years of experience as a dating coach and a degree in Social Psychology from University of California Berkeley. Lisa breaks down the dynamics of relationships to gain a true understanding of what drives conflict. She is an avid Youtube and a contributing writer to Love Learnings where she works to provide reliable, research-based relationship guidance to clients and readers from around the world.

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Unresolved, repetitive conflict is a top reason many couples seek relationship advice and marriage counseling.

However, arguments are a natural, normal part of intimate relationships. Whenever two people live in close quarters and allow themselves to become vulnerable with each other, sooner or later misunderstandings and conflict are likely to result.

When handled with tact and sensitivity, conflict can have an important function in your relationship or marriage. A conflict can help clear the air of pent-up resentments; it can act as a powerful form of communication that lets your partner know what is important to you. Conflict can even pave the way for smoother times, giving your partner a blueprint to better understand your needs.

When conflicts become too intense, a cycle of attack and counter-attack prevents any real communication from occurring. Arguments that are repetitive and spiral out of control offer no benefit for the couple. The goal should therefore be to keep the level of intense emotions that accompany conflict manageable.

In its simplicity, this may seem like an easy task. However, keeping your cool in a heated moment requires a great deal of resolve. You will need to listen to your partner’s message and show that you understand his/her position. (This of course doesn’t mean that you give up your position in the argument.)

Relationship Help: 3 steps to defusing an argument

1. Place your opinion temporarily on hold (easier said than done, especially if you feel that you are being treated unfairly) and take a few deep breaths to relax your body (physical tension is common during arguments and will only fuel your frustration—you can even call a momentary time-out if you’re feeling overwhelmed).

2. Tell your partner or spouse that you want to understand his/her perspective. To really listen, you must step outside your ego and put a stop to any thoughts that criticize your partner for her/his position. Try to become authentically curious about why s/he is having that particular reaction.

3. Look for the kernel of truth in your partner’s position—the truth that exists in your spouse or partner’s perspective. Maybe s/he feels that you’ve been inconsiderate in some way or that you haven’t been keeping up with your share of the household responsibilities. Whatever the case, your partner’s viewpoint feels totally valid to him/her and trying to dispute this will only increase the divide between you. So listen carefully and work toward understanding, rather than formulating a counterattack.

We all want to feel understood, especially by our loved ones. When statements of understanding begin to enter into the conflict, you’ll be surprised at how quickly the intensity of the argument decreases. And with a decrease in emotional intensity, the stage will be set for healthier and more effective communication.

Avoidance is not the answer

Joy Qualls on November 22, 2016

T he holiday season is upon us. Over the next couple of months, families and friends will gather around tables to give thanks and to celebrate the birth of our Savior. We have also just come through a contentious election season that has left many with piqued emotions. This backdrop provides more than enough opportunity for difficult conversations that can lead to tension and conflict, and I do not believe that we should avoid difficult topics like religion and politics when we gather together. Honestly, I believe we feel a greater division between us right now because we have avoided the challenges of conflict rather than being willing to really stay present while seeking to understand each other. But no one desires conversation, especially with family and friends, to be hostile. Given these challenges, how do we diffuse arguments so that they do not become a stumbling block to relationship?

As a Rhetorician, I teach people how to communicate more effectively including how to engage productively in argument. How we talk about things matters. The book of James gives us one of the best strategies to help us engage arguments that provide opportunity for understanding. James 1: 19-20 (NLT) reads, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

Be Quick to Listen
James places the admonition to listen first. This is intentional. More often than not, especially in our age of instant communication, we listen primarily to respond. We are formulating our thoughts and constructing our rebuttals before the other person is able to complete a full sentence. We hear buzz words that we seize upon and are reactionary in our response as a result. A better way is to practice active listening. Eliminate as much distraction as possible. Look the other person who is speaking in the eye. Do not assume motive on behalf of the other person. Ask clarifying questions using language like, “I hear you saying. is that what you intended?”

As leaders, we have to both model and teach others how to deal with difficult conversations well.

Be Slow to Speak
Before responding to those who disagree with you, take a deep breath. This slows your heart rate and purges nervous anxiety. When you do speak, continue to practice “I/You” language that places the responsibility on to you and avoids defensive postures or reactions from the others involved. Acknowledge what you appreciate or agree with in the other person or their position. Present your point-of-view from experience or knowledge but with humility, acknowledging that while your position is yours, you are not the final authority. Do not dominate the conversation by engaging in a monologue. Do not talk over the other person. Try to avoid overwhelming emotions that may be off putting to others involved in the conversation. Above all, stick to the topic at hand and avoid any language that could be perceived as a personal attack. Confront ideas and facts, not people.

Be Slow to Anger
When we listen well and are thoughtful in our speech, we can still feel passionately but we avoid potential negative emotions. Anger can be righteous, but it rarely manifests itself that way in a heated argument. Continue to breathe deeply. Honor the other person for their perspective and how they may have come to their position. Be kind in your tone, pace and choice of words. Just because someone opposes your positions, it does not make them your enemy — and even if it did — Jesus gives us a greater command to love them than to win the argument. Avoiding anger keeps the conversation on a level playing field and allows for greater possibility of finding places of agreement. Take a break and schedule a time to come back to the conversation if necessary.

As leaders, we have to both model and teach others how to deal with difficult conversations well. Arguments and disagreement should not be avoided, as avoidance creates another set of problems entirely. By modeling and providing space for productive argument, we can demonstrate for others how to diffuse those conversations that create division and engage those that allow for healthy understanding.

When you’re in a relationship, you spend a lot of time with your partner and no matter how much you love one another, you’re bound to get on each other’s nerves once in awhile.

They leave crusty dishes in the sink. They leave socks in the middle of the floor. And you know they’ve been sneaking sweets even though you both swore you’d make an extra effort to stick to a healthy diet.

These little irritants can lead to big problems if you let your emotions get the better of you. Instead of letting fights fester, here are four ways to tamp out an argument that will work to bring you and your partner closer together. This is one of the true keys to building a healthy mature relationship.

Get Vulnerable

There’s one phrase that can stop an argument in its tracks: “That hurt me.” When we feel as if we’re being attacked, it’s human instinct to shut down and strike back. Instead of letting your partner in, you want to block them out and this will only serve to ramp up the conflict.

Instead, open yourself up. Show them that you are vulnerable by telling them how they’ve hurt you. Showing vulnerability will completely change the trajectory of the argument, halting the conflict and giving you both the opportunity to take a step back and think about what you mean to each other.

Ask What the Fight is Really About

Often when you’re fighting about the dishes in the sink, what you’re angry about isn’t really the pots and pans. Chances are, if you and your partner find yourself having a big argument over something that doesn’t really matter, the true root of the issue is much deeper.

In order to avoid escalating a conflict, you need to establish what you are actually arguing about.

If they’re fuming mad that you went behind their back and watched a couple episodes of Friends when you were supposed to be binge watching it together, it’s probably more about how they feel like you don’t make time for them anymore.

Once you know the true issue, then you can set about finding concrete ways to remedy it. You’re going to fight. You might as well fight about what’s really bothering you.

Take A Time-Out

In the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to take a step back and evaluate what’s going on. You may have heard that you’re not supposed to go to bed angry, but sometimes it’s crucial to put a pin in an argument and save it for later.

Taking time away from a fight allows you to get some distance from the situation. Sometimes fights hit stasis—the only thing changing is the volume of your voice. As you both get louder and louder, you are getting further and further away from a resolution.

That’s because you’ve stopped having a dialogue and started having a contest.

Bring it back down a few decibels and take a breather. When you come back to it, you’ll come at the issue from a different, less emotionally explosive angle because you’ll remember the reason you are together in the first place: a deep affection for each other.

Take Responsibility

It’s easy to become defensive when your partner pulls you into an argument. They’ve brought up something that upsets them and you feel personally attacked.

Running defence is a natural instinct. This is one of the ways we protect ourselves, but sometimes the only thing you are protecting is your pride.

Instead of throwing something back in their face (like how they never put the toilet seat down), take responsibility for your actions. After all, you’re not perfect.

Acknowledge your role in the conflict. And then focus on changing your behaviour to avoid future disagreements, because life is definitely too short to keep fighting about the same thing.

The fact is, if you’re in a relationship you are bound to disagree with your partner every once in a while. The key is to not let arguments get out of hand. So follow these tactics and work towards concrete resolutions that will minimize conflict and bring you two closer together.

About The Author

Lisa Force is a relationship nerd from San Jose, California. Her passion for helping men and women enjoy happier, healthier romantic relationships is backed by over six years of experience as a dating coach and a degree in Social Psychology from University of California Berkeley. Lisa breaks down the dynamics of relationships to gain a true understanding of what drives conflict. She is an avid Youtube and a contributing writer to Love Learnings where she works to provide reliable, research-based relationship guidance to clients and readers from around the world.

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You and your partner consider yourselves pretty good communicators, but let’s face it—occasionally you both lose your tempers and sometimes, you wish you could have a professional mediator in the room with you. The new book Ask For More: Ten Questions to Negotiate Anything by mediation expert Alexandra Carter is the next best thing.

Our favorite tip from the book? There’s a two-word phrase that Carter uses daily with her husband that she calls “the ultimate open question.” And she not only loves using this phrase in relationships, but she says it works with kids, at work and in any other situation where you might want to defuse an argument and come to an agreement.

The two magic words: tell me.

“No question unlocks trust, creativity, understanding and mind-blowing solutions like ‘tell me,’” Carter says in her book. Basically, it’s all about switching perspective. “It helps us move from a black-and-white (and often biased) view of a situation to what some negotiation experts have called a ‘learning conversation,’ where we grow in our understanding of an issue rather than remain stuck.” Once you get un-stuck, you can work your way back from the disagreement into a place of mutual understanding—or at least gather some more information about where the other person is coming from. In fact, Terry Gross of NPR’s Fresh Air told the New York Times that “tell me about yourself” is the best (and only) thing you need to say to open up an interview or conversation.

Another great way to use these two magic words: Instead of asking your spouse “how was your day,” say, “tell me about your day.” This way, instead of inviting the answer “fine” or “good,” you’re encouraging your partner to share absolutely whatever is on his or her mind about what happened today, whether it’s about his botched client meeting or the amazing corned beef sandwich she ate for lunch.

Now, repeat after us: “Tell me more about that corned beef sandwich.”

I ’m not exaggerating when I say Debbie and I have found the secret to resolving our conflicts together…every time. I’m not kidding. It works every time. It’s not complicated, complex, or difficult to comprehend. After 19 years of marriage, we’ve realized there has been one simple, common denominator in every conflict resolution of ours.

But before I get to that, have you ever noticed how conflict rears it’s ugly head at the worst possible moments…like in a restaurant? You’re supposed to be enjoying a nice evening together and somehow you get derailed by a comment (or issue) that you both get miffed about. Instead of enjoying each others company over a nice meal, you end up silently staring into your food until the check comes…which can’t come soon enough.

Or how about just before a social event like a family gathering or church? You don’t have time to resolve the issue, so you put on a smile and pretend everything is fine. It sucks.

It has the power to steal from us what should otherwise be an enjoyable experience, kill the connection we were walking in, and destroy the affections that were there just a few minutes ago! Geeze. I hate that.

Don’t get me wrong. I know many couples have deep-rooted issues that aren’t simple to resolve. And yes, I’m generalizing in this post. However, this one simple-but-rarely-easy step really can diffuse most arguments. I intentionally left the word “easy” out of the title because it never is. But it works, if you’re humble enough to do it. So if you want to know how to defuse an argument quickly, here it is:

OWN UP TO YOUR PART IN THE CONFLICT. Yep. It’s simple, but not easy. Jesus said it this way…

First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly. -Matthew 7:5

In this passage, Jesus is talking about not hypocritically judging other people, which applies perfectly here. Arguments occur when two people are judging each other for their words and/or actions, and how it made them feel.

In our marriage, we get hurt, frustrated, and angry which causes us to focus on our spouse and what they’ve said or done. And in the process, we become oblivious to how we are contributing to the conflict. And yes, we all contribute to the conflict.

When you’re judging your spouse, you’re not seeing clearly. You’re not seeing the issue clearly. You’re not seeing your spouse’s wants, needs, and desires clearly. And most importantly, you’re not seeing yourself clearly. Your earnest desire to point out what’s wrong in them is preventing you from clearly seeing,…well… everything; because there’s a plank in your eye!

So, how do we take the plank out? Focus on how you’re contributing to the conflict and own up to it by expressing it to your spouse. Do that, and the wall between you will begin to come down. If you both do it, the wall will come crashing down!

Here’s the thing. I never feel like owning up and taking responsibility for my part. Never. But resolution is more important than my feelings.

Don’t get me wrong. When it comes to communicating effectively together,… honest disclosure of feelings matter a lot. But when it comes to doing the right thing for the betterment of my marriage,…feelings don’t matter quite as much. When it comes to forging new, healthy habits, you’re going to need to push through the old, unhealthy ones.

And one last thing. We’ve noticed that on the other side of the resolved argument is a deeper understanding and appreciation of what we want, desire, and need from each other. In other words, a deeper and more fulfilling level of intimacy and joy in our marriage. And whatever was momentarily stolen can be quickly restored.

I know I’ve barely scratched the surface here, so leave your comment or question below. Thanks!

Stephen Buckner

Stephen has been blogging since 2014, and he enjoys writing honestly and openly about married life. He and Debbie are high school sweethearts and have been married since 1995. They love dogs, sea turtles, the ocean, warm beaches, meaningful conversation, a rich cup of coffee, an inspiring book or movie, a good steak, a good golf shot, and planning their next vacation.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

You’re hanging out with friends or colleagues when suddenly, an argument erupts. Things get heated and you’re caught in the middle. What do you do? Read on for Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips for managing an intervention.

The majority of us have been in a situation where an argument ensues and we feel the need to intervene. As you probably know, watching two people yell at each other until they’re blue in the face leaves you feeling incredibly uncomfortable. As the innocent bystander in this car wreck, you have two options: s tep in or step away.

After you consider your two options, and decide to go with the former one, the next question is, “How do I break it up?”

Before you shout, “Good luck with that!” check out my top 3 quick and dirty tips for how to properly intervene in and defuse an argument:

Tip #1: Timing is Everything

Knowing exactly when it’s proper to intervene in an argument is key. It’s all about surveying the situation at hand. For one, you can’t assume you understand the level of passion of the participants if they’re hurtling expletives back and forth. However, even though you don’t have the passion to argue, you can have the timing to save the day.

Arguing is not necessarily a bad thing. Wait. hear me out. Arguing can in fact be healthy – it allows all the passion to come out, rather than festering. But you don’t want things to escalate to the level of physical or over-the-top verbally abusive. That’s when there needs to be an intervention. You know things are growing intense when you examine a person’s body language. Are either (or both) getting red, starting to tear up, are they moving closer into each other’s space? These are telltale signs that an argument may turn physical.

Now is your time to step in and create space between them. To do this, gently and casually push back the person you are closer to in the argument. If the arguers are of different genders, always choose the person whose gender you match. You never want to shove or grab someone in the heat of an argument. Instead, use your body as a shield and speak calmly. Try stepping in, with your arms open and say, “Okay, okay, that’s enough. Come on, let’s take a breather.” You may need to improvise further, but this is a start.

Tip #2: Are You Choosing Sides?

Before intervening in an argument you have to ask yourself if you’re choosing sides. When you step into an argument, people tend to get defensive of the interruption. After all, they were just about to make their point when you (rudely to them, and kindly to everyone else) stepped in. Riiiiiight.

Before you part the unmannerly seas, always ask yourself whose side you are on, or better yet, whose side will you appear to be on when you intervene. Your goal should not be to get in the middle of the debate, but to get in the middle of them. Before intervening make sure that your stepping in will not create a bigger mess because one of the arguers feels you are now trying to shut them down or gang up on them. If you are actually on one person’s side, then when you do step in, pull that person aside and away from the argument. If you’re closer with one person, they will be more likely to listen to your voice of reason.

Tip #3: Nip it in the Bud Pronto

As I said in Tip #1, some arguments are healthy. But unless it’s a simple debate like, ‘Which flavor ice cream is better?” you need to listen for buzz words that tend to tip a friendly argument over into a heated interaction. The particular buzz words happen to be four letter words. I don’t need to go into them, but when you hear one uttered, it’s time to nip the situation in the bud.

If someone has to revert to cursing, then their argument has usually made a wrong turn somewhere. Now, is the time to step in and maybe change the conversation to something lighter. Try interjecting some humor to calm the raging waters. “Okay, you two, are you really going to fight over what was a better 90s movie?” Or, “Here’s something to argue. Who sounds crazier between you two? I’ll answer – it’s a tie!”

When you do step in to intervene, take it as a heroic responsibility. You’re being brave and doing something others may not. However, the bottom line is that when it comes to intervening in an argument, it’s proper to remain neutral. Your focus is simply to remedy the situation as fast as possible with no one getting hurt (including yourself) in the process.

For more tips on how good etiquette can help you get ahead in your professional life, check out my new book, Reply All. And Other Ways to Tank Your Career. Available now!

This post is part of a series documenting everyday respectful parenting moments. Reading real life parenting examples inspires me. I also find it helpful to look back on situations and think about what went well or what didn’t. Maybe you will too!

One of my favourite things to watch is my kids getting along and playing happily together. Giggling and cooperating, sharing and helping. It’s beautiful! Of course, it’s not always the case. When you spend as much time together as siblings do, there’s bound to be disagreements. As much as I can, I’ve tried to foster close and respectful relationships and one of the ways I do that is by how I respond when they fight.

Honestly, hearing them fight frustrates me! I instantly want to sort it out and make them stop. But that’s a pretty unhelpful approach. What I TRULY want is for them to be able to peacefully sort out their disagreements themselves. So I need to help them do that.

It usually starts with an accusation. ‘She did this’, ‘she said that’, ‘she won’t let me do this’, etc. Blaming is not a good place to be if you want to resolve an argument, so here’s where I come in.

As the very wise Marshall Rosenberg said “ Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.”

I need to transform their judgements and blame, into feelings and needs. If I can help them to stop focusing on blaming others and instead empathise with them and identify their feelings and needs, then they will be in a much better place to begin working things out.

What it looks like…

Here’s a few examples I jotted down recently:

“She ate all the watermelon.”

“Are you feeling disappointed because you really wanted some more watermelon?”

“She didn’t leave any for me!”

“Are you frustrated because you would have liked to be considered?”

“She ate it really fast on purpose so I couldn’t get any! She wasn’t sharing.”

“You sound angry because you really value fairness.”

“She’s being annoying!”

“You’re feeling annoyed?”

“She keeps singing and she’s annoying me on purpose!”

“You sound frustrated because you really need some space right now.”

“She snatched the pencil off me!!”

“You had the pencil, and now she has the pencil?”

“She just snatched it meanly on purpose!!”

“You sound upset because you would like to be asked before someone uses your things.”

“You sound angry and frustrated. Can you tell me about it?”

“She’s trying to hurt my feelings! She said I can’t do the cooking with her.”

“You’re feeling hurt because you would like to be included?”

In each case I have tried to rephrase their accusations into feelings and unmet needs. Blaming and shaming only damages relationships and blocks any compassion or empathy for the other person. It’s really hard to problem solve when you’re feeling so angry at someone else. I usually find that just the act of being understood is enough to resolve the problem. Sometimes they do need further help but I just continue to do the same thing. Helping them to express themselves and their needs to each other without judgement.

Next time you’re in the middle of a sibling argument, just simply look for the feelings and unmet needs that are fuelling the fight! The added bonus is by empathising and acknowledging your children’s needs you also build the connection between the two of you. Worth a try?

Research shows that when people in a conflict situation laugh and find the humor in a situation, they are likely to shift from convergent thinking (believing there is only one possible solution) to divergent thinking (seeing other possibilities and ideas that might solve the conflict). Here are a few tips on how to use humor in a conflict situation to defuse the tension:

• Make sure you are practicing good listening skills. Show that you understand where the other person is coming from before trying to inject any humor.
• Stay away from sarcastic humor or humor targeted at the other person, which will of course only make things worse! You want to use humor gently while still demonstrating you are taking the issue and their concerns seriously.
• Assess whether the situation warrants any use of humor. Given the context, nature of the conflict, and nature of your relationship with the person, you might choose to avoid any use of humor or, at the other extreme, you might don a “bonehead” hat or pair of Groucho Marx glasses to lower the temperature.
• Look for openings to inject some self-deprecating humor, such as, “You know, I’ll admit I might be wrong about this, according to my teenage children that’s pretty much my standard operating mode.”
• Look for ways to humorously reframe the problem, to remind both you and the other person that it could be worse. “I think we should remember that it could be a lot worse. We could be having this debate on the Titanic” or “You know, some people would love to have this be there most important issue to fight over. In fact, we could probably sell this fight on Craigslist” or “Just think – we’re fighting over who gets this parking stall while a gazillion people around the globe would just like to have a car to be able to park in the first place!”
• Look for ways to inject some humor around how you might solve the conflict: “I wonder if we should bring Judge Judy in on this one?” or “Why don’t we just thumb wrestle over this – best out of 3 matches wins?”
• Remind the other party that it’s important for both of you to keep your sense of humor and that you just want the best possible outcome, stay focused on the issue so you don’t make it personal, and be open to the possibility that the other person might be right. Use humor to stay humble and human.

What about you? What have you done successfully to defuse an argument using a little humor?

Michael Kerr. Humor at Work. Michael Kerr is a Hall of Fame international business speaker and the author of six books including, The Humor Advantage – Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way to the Bank.

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A proper argument can be highly productive. Unfortunately, not many arguments are done well. Most arguments fail to reach a resolution and lead to additional animosity.

Being cooped up with the same people day after day can lead to a greater number of arguments. If you’re going to argue, at least attempt to do it in a productive way.

Handling disagreements appropriately results in a happier and more stable relationship for both of you.

Arguments can be uncomfortable. It would be a shame to not receive any benefit from the experience.

Think back to some of your arguments. Was your relationship better or worse afterwards? This is really the only measurement that matters. Are your relationships helped or harmed by your arguments?

Make the most of your arguments with these techniques:

1. Keep the argument in the present. If your mom is being a pain in the neck, it’s not helpful to point out how obnoxious your partner’s mother was last Christmas. Keep the argument grounded in the present.

2. Calmness is better than animosity. Your arguments will be more productive if you’re both feeling calm and reasonable.

• Anger leads to poor judgement. Research has shown this to be true. People are much less logical and reasonable when experiencing a strong emotion. You’ll accomplish more if you have your wits about you.

3. Focus on finding a solution. Finding a solution is much more likely if you’re both actually trying to find a solution.

• Finding a solution is less likely if you’re focused on trying to inflict damage on your partner. If you’re trying to get even, your argument isn’t going to turn out well.

4. Avoid insults. Insults are never productive. You won’t get more out of a person by making them feel bad. Insulting someone isn’t a strategy for finding a solution.

• You might not be able to make the other person feel good during an argument, but it’s not impossible.

5. Have a cooling off period. If tensions are running high, a temporary break might be in order. Schedule your argument for a different time, perhaps even a different day. The issue will still be there, but you’ll both be in a better position to find a resolution.

6. Be clear on the issue at hand. It’s not unusual for one party in an argument to not completely understand the other party. Ensure that you’re both arguing about the same thing. If you have different objectives, you’ll never find middle ground.

7. Be willing to listen. You can’t just speak. You have to listen, too. You never learn anything by speaking, but you can learn something when you listen.

• Be fair and respectful when you’re arguing and give each person their turn to talk.
• When it’s not your turn to talk, listen carefully to what the other person has to say, rather than spending that time planning what you’ll say next.

8. Consider writing things down. Sometimes, it can be easier to share your thoughts in writing rather than verbally. Some people are more comfortable writing a letter than having a confrontation face to face. Ask your partner if this might be a better option for the two of you.

An argument can be a great opportunity to clear the air, move past a challenge in your relationship, or avoid future disagreements.

Arguing effectively is a skill that requires knowledge and practice. An argument is successful if both parties feel satisfied at the end, and the likelihood of having the same argument in the future is minimized. If you repeatedly have the same arguments, you’re not arguing effectively.

Arguments are more likely to occur under the present health, financial, and economic circumstances. Avoid weakening your relationship by arguing ineffectively. Make the most of every disagreement and create more stability in your relationship.

When you’re in a relationship, arguments come with the territory. Whether it’s his inability to put down the damn toilet seat or his total disdain for the amount of hair you shed on a daily basis, we all have our pet peeves. While we’d love not to sweat the small stuff (and the big stuff, too), it’s much easier said than done. So we asked top relationship therapists to share their tips for how to end an argument in five easy steps.

Step 1: Take some serious deep breaths

As Queen Bey eloquently put it, “hold up.” The best thing to do when you feel your fists tighten is to breathe. “Arguments can trigger our fight-or-flight response, causing us to become adrenalized—that feeling you get when you feel a rush of energy or sick to your stomach,” says psychologist Dr. Jackie Kibler, Ph.D. “Taking deep breaths will return oxygen to your brain and allow you to think more clearly about the situation.”

Step 2: Give each other space and time to diffuse

Time-outs aren’t only for your four-year-old—they can do wonders for you and your partner, too. “This gives each person time to cool down, reflect and come back with cooler heads and clearer thoughts,” says Dr. Nikki Martinez, psychologist and clinical professional counselor. It’s also totally OK to sleep on an issue. Hitting the pillow when you’re pissed is far superior than engaging in a fight you haven’t fully processed yet. “Usually, in the morning, the issue doesn’t feel nearly as important,” Martinez says.

Step 3: Actually listen to what your partner is saying

When all you want to do is get your point across, it’s tough to give your partner the mic. But experts say this strategy is great for both of you. “Instead of just holding your breath until you can make your point, try really listening and mirror back to him what you understand about their position,” suggests Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, psychologist. “This way, he’ll feel understood, validated and is more likely to calm down and listen to you, too.” This doesn’t mean you should abandon your feelings or needs, but it will remind your partner that you love and respect him.

Step 4: Talk about how their actions make you feel

Armed with insight, come back and own up to your side of the situation. Especially when you’ve just thoughtfully given your partner the floor, he or she has no choice but to respectfully do the same. “Human beings are really good when you give them a positive, specific and actionable step to help you,” explains Dr. Mike Dow, psychotherapist. So turn “You never consider my side of the story” into: “What would really help me is if you did the dishes on the nights I’m working so I don’t have to do them when I get home.”

Step 5: Work toward a compromise

Remember: Even the most stable relationships involve some give and take. “Instead of focusing on ‘winning’ the argument, try to consider how you can come to an agreement and meet somewhere in the middle,” says Dr. Sherman. “Putting the needs of your relationship above your individual needs can solve whatever it is that you are fighting about.” Another easy way to consider compromise: Stop and think about the consequences of letting the argument go any further. Think about the life you share, the history you have and the future you want. Those dishes don’t seem so important anymore, right?

In the face of conflict, the astrological signs do not all react in the same way. Some like the natives of Fish and Cancer, will take refuge and feel the most unhappy in the world. Others, such as Aries or Leo, will prefer to raise their voices to show that they dominate the situation. To prevent things from festering, find out all our tips for defusing an argument with the person you are holding according to his Astro sign.

1. With an Aries:

Known for his impulsive temperament, Aries can be easily carried away. So, if you take your head with him, avoid getting into him. Conversely, show yourself calm and reasoned by explaining your arguments with wisdom and maturity. He can only bow …

2. With a Taurus:

Although he is stubborn, Taurus can be very conciliatory in an argument. But for that, you must be open to dialogue. Give him your point of view with gentleness but never set the tone with him at the risk that he shines.

3. With a Gemini:

A specialist in humor, Gemini is easy to mollify after a fight. Just a little joke to give him a smile and make him forget your conflict. But anyway, you will have to open to him by talking if you want your relationship (friendship or love) to endure!

4. With a Cancer:

If there is an astrological sign that hates conflict, it’s Cancer! So he is able to take refuge alone in a corner to hide and avoid the slightest clash. In short, if you are angry with him, it is enough to offer him a new beginning with tenderness and beneficence …

5. With a Leo:

A sign of fire par excellence, the Lion can be ruthless during an argument. Let him get upset alone. When he has calmed down, bring him your arguments but never question his person. His ego being oversized, he has trouble with the critics … We warned you!

6. With a Virgo:

Very pragmatic and ultra-serious, the Virgin does not take conflicts lightly. If you have to start an argument with her, do not cut her off and listen to what she has to say. One thing is certain, you will not solve anything with it if you show yourself virulent and immature!

7. With a Libra:

Find the right balance. This is what you must do to reconcile yourself with a Libra. Remember that she embodies justice and is the most pacifist sign of the Zodiac. If your arguments are serious, she will be able to hear them and listen to you with great interest. Take this chance!

8. With a Scorpion:

Ouch, if you’ve fought with a Scorpion, you’ll have to put your pride aside if you want things to work out. But our best advice is to NEVER provoke it! If you talk to him gently and show him your desire to do well, he may even question himself.

9. With a Sagittarius:

If you take the lead with a Sagittarius, you may suffer his words a little hard. Because Sagittarius does not have its tongue in its pocket and never thinks before speaking. So to make things right, just forgive him for his lack of tact and quickly draw a line on what happened. Because of conflict, Sagittarius hates it!

10. With a Capricorn:

Find compromises. That’s what should save your fight with a Capricorn. Indeed, this astrological sign of the most serious needs to concretize the thing by finding pragmatic and constructive solutions. But most importantly, he expects the other to be inclined to make efforts for more than that to happen again.

11. With an Aquarius:

Not easy to know what an Aquarius thinks when he is angry. The easiest way to defuse an argument with him? Offer to chat over coffee in a relaxed way. Show yourself open-minded, let your heart speak and you can be sure that the quarrel turns into a beautiful reunion.

12. With a Pisces:

Ultra sensitive sign, the fish does not support conflicts at all. And often, it is likely to darken if it happens to him with a person he wears strong in his artichoke heart. To find a balanced relationship, you will have to reassure him and show him how much you care about him.

In the face of conflict, the astrological signs do not all react in the same way. Some like the natives of Fish and Cancer, will take refuge and feel the most unhappy in the world. Others, such as Aries or Leo, will prefer to raise their voices to show that they dominate the situation. To prevent things from festering, find out all our tips for defusing an argument with the person you are holding according to his Astro sign.

1. With an Aries:

Known for his impulsive temperament, Aries can be easily carried away. So, if you take your head with him, avoid getting into him. Conversely, show yourself calm and reasoned by explaining your arguments with wisdom and maturity. He can only bow …

2. With a Taurus:

Although he is stubborn, Taurus can be very conciliatory in an argument. But for that, you must be open to dialogue. Give him your point of view with gentleness but never set the tone with him at the risk that he shines.

3. With a Gemini:

A specialist in humor, Gemini is easy to mollify after a fight. Just a little joke to give him a smile and make him forget your conflict. But anyway, you will have to open to him by talking if you want your relationship (friendship or love) to endure!

4. With a Cancer:

If there is an astrological sign that hates conflict, it’s Cancer! So he is able to take refuge alone in a corner to hide and avoid the slightest clash. In short, if you are angry with him, it is enough to offer him a new beginning with tenderness and beneficence …

5. With a Leo:

A sign of fire par excellence, the Lion can be ruthless during an argument. Let him get upset alone. When he has calmed down, bring him your arguments but never question his person. His ego being oversized, he has trouble with the critics … We warned you!

6. With a Virgo:

Very pragmatic and ultra-serious, the Virgin does not take conflicts lightly. If you have to start an argument with her, do not cut her off and listen to what she has to say. One thing is certain, you will not solve anything with it if you show yourself virulent and immature!

7. With a Libra:

Find the right balance. This is what you must do to reconcile yourself with a Libra. Remember that she embodies justice and is the most pacifist sign of the Zodiac. If your arguments are serious, she will be able to hear them and listen to you with great interest. Take this chance!

8. With a Scorpion:

Ouch, if you’ve fought with a Scorpion, you’ll have to put your pride aside if you want things to work out. But our best advice is to NEVER provoke it! If you talk to him gently and show him your desire to do well, he may even question himself.

9. With a Sagittarius:

If you take the lead with a Sagittarius, you may suffer his words a little hard. Because Sagittarius does not have its tongue in its pocket and never thinks before speaking. So to make things right, just forgive him for his lack of tact and quickly draw a line on what happened. Because of conflict, Sagittarius hates it!

10. With a Capricorn:

Find compromises. That’s what should save your fight with a Capricorn. Indeed, this astrological sign of the most serious needs to concretize the thing by finding pragmatic and constructive solutions. But most importantly, he expects the other to be inclined to make efforts for more than that to happen again.

11. With an Aquarius:

Not easy to know what an Aquarius thinks when he is angry. The easiest way to defuse an argument with him? Offer to chat over coffee in a relaxed way. Show yourself open-minded, let your heart speak and you can be sure that the quarrel turns into a beautiful reunion.

12. With a Pisces:

Ultra sensitive sign, the fish does not support conflicts at all. And often, it is likely to darken if it happens to him with a person he wears strong in his artichoke heart. To find a balanced relationship, you will have to reassure him and show him how much you care about him.

In this article, we’ll give examples and explain ways to defuse arguments and improve communication. whether the conflict you’ll be dealing with next time involves your teenager, co-worker, or even a friend.

Being an active listener is an important step to defuse arguments of any given situation and solve whatever problem has arisen. However, you must realize that when people feel strongly about an issue, their emotions will influence their ability to communicate and listen well. It is important, therefore, to utilize a combination of active and reflective listening skills.

Take time to cool off before continuing to speak (breathe deeply, always remember to count to ten, leave the room, or take a walk).

Here are five ways to defuse arguments and improve communication effectively.

1. Only criticize the behavior or the issue that is up for discussion. never criticize the person! By dealing with the issue or the behavior, you avoid attacking the other person. If you are “arguing” with your teen about a curfew, stick to the issue of the curfew or to his behavior of breaking curfew. Don’t dredge up all of her prior mistakes or call her a “stupid kid” because she can’t ever seem to get things right. That is a direct attack on the person and all that does is damages their self-esteem and creates barriers. Listen to what he has to say and keep him on track if he strays from the issue. Continue to use active listening even if the other person does not. Your use of active listening will be of tremendous help when trying to defuse arguments or other potentially damaging situation.

2. Realize that each person has worth. It is almost impossible to practice active or reflective listening if you dismiss the speaker as inferior or worthless. You don’t have to agree with him, but it is crucial that you respect his right to a different opinion and acknowledge his sense of value. Find something that the two of you have in common. Try to understand what the other person is saying and why he feels a certain way.

3. Avoid absolutes when trying to defuse arguments, i.e., right or wrong, good or bad. Phrases like “you always” or “you never” should be avoided because these types of phrases slow down communication. Someone paying close attention to what is being said will sure pick up on that right away and can easily counter with a statement such as, “I hear you saying I always do such and so, but actually I. ” The same is true of statements that indicate right/ or wrong and good or bad. This is not to say there aren’t situations that are right or wrong, good or bad, but in an argument most right/wrong or good/bad situations are simply exaggerations and the actuality is somewhere in between. Far-ranging generalizations ultmately cause conflict. The focus then is not on solving the problem at hand, but instead the focus is on each party effectively defining her respective position.

4. Send “I feel” messages instead of “you” messages. For example, when you say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” you are sending a “you” message. An example of an “I” message could go something like this. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” The point of this in trying to defuse arguments is to clarify your concerns so as not to lay blame on other people.. This is especially true when it comes time to defuse arguments with your teenager. An example of an “I” message here could be, “I worry about you when you aren’t home by your curfew,” or “When you come in after your curfew, I feel like you are purposely defying me.” The “I” message tells your teenager how you are feeling about the situation at hand. in this case, his not making curfew. The “I” message conveys concern over the issue, whereas the “you” message attacks them as a person.

5. Engage your brain and suspend your emotions. This is perhaps the hardest of the five techniques because verbal conflicts by nature are emotional. The ultimate goal is to turn the verbal conflict into a discussion. Arguments are counterproductive, whether its while conducting business or trying to resolve a family issue. Arguments certainly do nothing for keeping harmony within the home or workplace. Rather than letting your emotions get the best of you, ask yourself, “How can I help solve this problem? What solution is best for both of us? What can we change? You need to control your emotions for the sake of the issue. Listen actively and nonjudgmentally.

Try to solve the problem best you can. After you have calmed down, look at what happened and decide how to handle it appropriately.

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